Of Phoren Phillums Past and Present

The Indian nominee for the Oscar Foreign Film thing has run aground before reaching the western shores. As I mentioned earlier, a comical war of words has come up with everyone and their brother screaming about which film ought to go.

Was there a bias this year, in favour of VVC? Not improbable by a long shot, given the committee's track record:

2007 - Eklavya: AB-baby is the palace guard Eklavya who butts heads with his unacknowledged son, reluctant London-returned prince (white ewe black lamb etc.) Saif Ali Khan, who in turn butts heads with other, evil royals while checking out Vidya Balan's butt. There's a lot of palace scenery and helicopters and so forth in between the skulls cracking. Prediction: Has as much a chance of winning a Foreign Film Oscar as my hindi vlog

2006 - Rang de B: The most over-hyped, feel-good-for-no-reason movie made. Showed a set of hip college kids who role-play for Bhagat Singh and co. Halfway through, a ''serious'' (he joined the Air Force) friend gets killed. Friends get the impression (it's never explained how) that a corrupt minister and a businessman are responsible. Their dharna fails. They have no options left (????) They shoot the two (blossoming from role-players into skilled and ruthless marksmen overnight) and take over a radio station to explain why. As they're shot dead in turn, the ghosts of dead freedom fighters appear. The nation wails in lament. Credits roll. This was selected over Omkara - not only an adaptation of an understandable-to-worldwide-audiences classic, but a movie with an authentic and gritty feel to it.

2005 - Paheli: A horror movie showcasing the kind of hard-on Rani Mukherjee can elicit from the undead, as she falls in love with SRK, a ghost. It gets scarier as you see SRK sport a Rajasthani turban and moustache, and you're haunted forever when you find out Amol Palekhar was the director of this excercise in necrophilia. Selected over Page 3 and Hazaaron Khwaishein Aisi, both of which were again understandable to world-wide audiences AND had a gritty, gut-wrenching pathos in them. Paheli had about a ghost of a ghost of a chance.

2002 - Devdas: Once upon a time there was a young man. He decided to drink himself to death. Sanjay Leela Bhansali then decided to spend 50 crores showcasing his demise. Rather than send his film to Alcoholics Anonymous, the committee decided to send it to Hollywood. In place of, say, Monsoon Wedding.

The committee in short, is either malleable to the wishes of super-Khans, irrespective of film quality; or is phenomenally stupid. Given what we know about Indian goarnament committees, each is equally likely.

Having said that, it's equally idiotic and ungracious of a director to first scream "No fair" and then get a court order challenging Committee rulings. How are they now going to decide the best film? Have court judges or SC justices see both (It would be a unique first for our judges)? Take the two to a Lok Sabha session? Or will they go "Indian Idol" and carry out an SMS campaign? What's to stop a third person from screaming that his/her film was unfairly left out? And in the midst of all this, have any of these films much of a chance at the Academy (I haven't seen Eklavya or Dharm) Awards?

My verdict: Disband the Selection committee and have every director who can, send his/her film to the Oscars. People say films have to be chosen to represent the tastes and aspirations of the "Indian pippuls". Our tastes weren't much to speak of to begin with, and are now confused as well.

Stranger Than Fiction

It was officially announced - Vidhu Vinod Chopra's "Eklavya" is going to the 2008 Oscars as the Indian Foreign Language entry. The announcement met with the usual "will it ?"s and "won't it ?"s for a while, and would have been shoved aside to make news for Rahul Gandhi, when all hell broke loose.

Bhavna Talwar, who made "Dharm", another contender for the Academy entry, first went to the media telling whoever would listen that Eklavya was a bad film and her film deserved to go to the Oscars [You'll find the HT link here] Once HT, TOI, the Hindu and IE had saturated their Filmi Khabar section and Aaj Tak had aired her views on that "Breaking News" strip at the bottom of the screen, she actually - I mean it, she did this - filed a petition at the Bombay high court, calling for an investigation into the selection of Eklavya. In the meantime, selection committee members, "serious" actors, "joking" actors, Bhavna Talwar, Vidhu Vinod Chopra and NDTV knows who else have presented soundbytes to the media either describing the shadowy conspiracy in smoke-filled selection committee rooms, or deriding "The young filmmaker whose film hasn’t gone..." for "having durrty crab mentality". The latest has been this "Front Page Headline" - the Bombay High court has given the Film Selection committee 10 days to file a reply to their evaluation that "there seems to be merit in the argument that the selection process was biased....." The matter will be decided during a date in October blah blah blah

The truth has not only become stranger than fiction, it's turned into some sort of Academy Award winning screenplay itself now - the kind of satirical one Cho Ramaswamy would write and Farooq Sheikh/Naseeruddin Shah would act in back in the 80's.

Amazing, ain't it?

Shakespeare 'n Love

Here's a sign of trouble - I'm running out of things to rave and rant about. lexicomaniac sums this blog as reflections, and to my regret, you (or rather, I) can only reflect so much.

So anyways, this post is a set of little thingies going on....... with me rather than the world at large. So, no thoughtful Being Vir Sanghvi today.

Shakespeare. I've joined this dramatics group that can loosely be defined as a Shakespeare sketch show. We're planning a show with little clips from the Great Playwright's Greatest Plays. A feather in Yours Truly's cap is his bagging a role as Iago in an Othello scene, which should allow me one of those evil fourth wall grins that were creepy in Kaun and The Omen.

The role brought back memories from high and middle school. Of a time before IIT, when English wasn't quite English, but well.... English English. Or rather, ICSE English English. I'm referring of course to English spoken in a semi sing-song high pitched tone with special emphasis on diction and pronounciation, when reciting a poem on stage or acting out a classic drama. Don't get me? Ok, put simply, try reciting this, stressing on each sound:

"In this same interlude it doth befall
That I, one Snout by name, present a wall;
And such a wall, as I would have you think,
That had in it a crannied hole or chink,
Through which the lovers, Pyramus and Thisby,
Did whisper often very secretly"

Yep, that English. It's the one ICSE students pride themselves on in Calcutta or Bangalore. It's about as dead as the literature you enact in it, but it's fun. Coming to IIT, where Hinglish was more the lingua franca, and drama meant Hindi dialogue (and names like Kaal Bhuchandi), I lost touch with it. It's fun to relive it.

It's also a reminder of what kind of person you are. I had to summon IEE when reciting my lines. But the rest of the people in the group (all Americans born and bred) did not. Shakespeare rolls smoothly off their tongues. They doth their ayes and quoth their thees with cunning fluency. I don't. It's kind of a racial thing, but there you are.

I've also joined the Purdue swing dance club. Swing is something you'd see from the black and white films they had in the fifties - think "Eena Meena Deeka". It's informal, more fun and a less strenuous way to meet members of the opposite sex than say, salsa or tango (believe, they are best left to Banderas). Neways, swing is fun. What isn't is the interaction with the opposite sex.

It's been about two weeks since the club began. But wierdly, boys and girls are starting to pair up on a permanent basis already. Partner rotations are starting to feel more unwelcome and the post-class dances are seeing fixed couples, who dance looking all starry-eyed at each other. How in heaven did they go about it? I'm starting to feel left out, like the shithead you see in teen movies looking forlorn and pup-eyed at events like this, when he sees the class hot-chick dance with the jerk-jock. I wish they'd slow down and give me enough time to figure out the tricks of the trade and be smoother and less awkward when in close proximity to girls. Y'know, everyone starting the race at the same position. The science of coupling up. I wish they'd teach that in a course at IIT. The science of coupling. Way more practical than the effect of coupling forces on a tressle centre of gravity - D'you even come across such things in the real world?

Anyway, that's life now. Let's see where Shakespeare and Swing take it.

Below

Basically, I decided to cut loose with all typical romace cliches and see how I could substitute em with some sort of scientificreference. There's poetry in sunrise and sunset and fruit and all that... so there should be in what I've described.

To My True Love – A Chemical Romance

Your eyes are what draw me to you, soft, deep and of unchanging hue.

I see deep into their core, little sparkles by the score.

They scintillate all the while, no two are the same,

Those flashes within your eyes, like ions in a flame.

I see the crimson of charged lithium, the green of a Barite,

The lilac of ionic potassium, a truly marvelous sight.

Your pupils are truly special, a wonder to behold,

They are so like a fiery wire of platinum or of gold.

Your nose entices me too, to its tip I succumb,

It’s delicate as a flower, yet strong as dry gypsum.

It wiggles with your swinging moods, it points to joy or terror.

It’s like a voltmeter, with negligible error.

So cheery is your bearing, ever so animate

You’re as effervescent as a hydrated bicarbonate

You re-dissolve my fears and cares, when I’m wan and glum,

From clouded Cu(OH)₂ you vivify me, to deep cuprammonium.

You make the best of all you have, churn happiness out of all you see

Like zinc you could milk H₂ from acid or alkali.

You inspire me and arouse me to a bolder, more sanguine state,

You feel sometimes like an overdose of acidified permanganate.

You could be sparring partner, co-conspirator, counselor or me-o-phile,

You resonate between all of them, running rings around phenyl.

Fellowship flows around you; reserve and distance thrown aside,

You facilitate people’s linkages, like vanadium pentoxide.

You’re as delicate as platinum sometimes, to poisoning so susceptible,

Yet at times you’re like carbon fibre, super strong and flexible.

I desire you and your love forever, (not to sound like a pop crooner on TV),

I want our bond to be strong and lasting; like diamond C-to-C

In writing this I present your importance to the process that is me;

In short, you’re the limiting reactant in our chemistry!!!

Daffy Definitions
What do you feel...

...when you see Orkut and Facebook pics of schoolmates whom all the girls had the hots for in classes IX - XII and find they've become overweight and look debauched and stressed, while you've improved to no end ?: Pleasure

...when you find that not only poaching is on the rise, but also deforestation in the forests, while cities reel with the incoming issues of water, sanitation and power?: Hope

...when you read that J K Rowling, who was born in 1965, concieved the HP skeleton in 1990 and has completed it now, and realize your 24th birthday is around the corner?: Fear Panic

...when you're asked what you want to do at the age of 16, having been told there's nothing you can't do?: Confusion

...when you're thinking about what you not only can but also want to do at the age of 23?: Even More Confusion

...when you haven't written an awful lot for near a month, despite your blog being the writings (of a writer, no less) ?: Fear

...when you're trying to get that presentation completed as though your life depended on it, even though you go to sleep doing it?: Frustration

...from Ctrl+C to Ctrl+V?: Inspiration

Harry Potter and the Deadly Denouements

The Ugly

When you see Tuco in "The Good, the Bad and the Ugly", you don't know why he's "Ugly". He's not deformed or scarred, he doesn't have some horrible disfiguring disease or wound on him to make him so. He's about as cleaned up and well kept as Eastwood and Van Cleef. In the end, he's the Ugly because he's neither "Good" nor "Bad". Which is what this post deals with - things that you notice, that neither add to nor detract from the book on the whole. You just notice them, because they're odd or striking.

Deathly Hallows is pretty unusual among HP books in its markedly PG-13 setup. I mentioned the intense make-out scenes in a previous post. Additionally, a good deal of violence is described
in the book. Most striking is the language. For the first time, you see people curse about proper (The worst in previous books was 'cow' as an abusive/derisive adjective). Ron at one point tells Harry the situation is "effing hopeless", and Aberforth (read the book to find out who he is) talks about the 'bastards' who assaulted his sister, rendering her psychologically (and by consequence, magically) unstable for life. 'hell' is part of the strong vocabulary. "Why the hell" is used at one point (no rage like italicized rage) and Neville Longbottom bravely says he'll join the dark side when "hell freezes over"

This struck me as odd. The Potterverse is, by and large, an agnostic, if not atheistic universe. The only mentions of religion come during the celebrations of Christmas and Easter through the usual festive trappings of either - Christmas dinners, presents, easter eggs and so forth. When there is no God/s (which makes sense when you can magic away reality yourself), how does the concept of hell and heaven come up? The presence of ghosts (regulated strictly by the Ministry) is about the closest the books come to describing an aferlife. So, how do the wizards understand the connotations of hell? And why do they imagine it as we do, a place of fire and brimstone which could only freeze at the end of time or something? "when the earth meets the sky" or "when the skarnrock grows stripes" would be more plausible exaggerations for a wizard, especially one brought up by wizards (as opposed to Muggle-borns).

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows resembles at different levels, Tolkein's "The Return of the King". Both basically are about climaxes, when heroes and villains are gathered and open, armed conflict has begun. Both involve small, relatively weak or poorly-armed protagonists who hold the real key to the conflict, as opposed to amassed power on either side. And both end with a thunderous battle wherein it is uncertain how things will turn out, and both sides strike out with desperate fury.

Key plot elements are similar too. The Deathly Hallows revolves about Harry's attempts to find and destroy four Horcruxes - artifacts into which Voldemort has sealed fragments of his soul. Shortly into the plot, Harry finds one - an ancient locket. The interesting thing about this is that the Horcrux is seemingly indestructible. Non-magical techniques and even conventional magical spells have no effect on the Horcrux, and to destroy it, one must destroy the object beyond repair. To ensure safety, Harry and his friends start to wear the locket. Each, upon wearing it, finds that the Horcrux alters behaviour, making him/her more depressed, more agressive, more fearful and reluctant to go on. Harry at one point discovers the only weapon capable of destroying the thing at the bottom of a lake. When he dives in, wearing the locket to retrieve it, he suddenly finds the chain shortening around his neck. When the weapon is finally obtained, Ron, Harry's friend, finds himself unable to destroy the Horcrux, as it voices his fears and projects illusions of them coming true. It is with great difficulty (I mean it, I was reading the thing and saying "Destroy the f#*@ing Horcrux already" halfway through this scene) that the thing is destroyed once and for all.

To anyone who has read The Lord of the Rings, the parallels of this scene to those involving Frodo, Sam and the One Ring will be obvious. The two objects are similar enough as it is, each being a receptacle of an otherwise invulnerable Dark Lord's soul/spirit, which can only be destroyed through extremely powerful magic. That they have similar effects on the people around them shows the homage Rowling pays to Tolkein in her finale.

The homage is also present in the final battle, when reinforcements arrive at a seemingly hopeless point in battle (When it seems Harry is dead on the lawns of Hogwarts vis-a-vis When it seems Frodo and the Ring are captured at the Black Gates). The battle restarts, and it is only at its absolute peak that the final hope (Harry reappearing/Mount Doom exploding) shows itself. There has been, in the interim, a good deal of death and destruction. Kind of apt (I don't know if that's the right word to use) that Rowling, who's the queen of modern fantasy fiction (On the sheer basis of number of books sold) pays a homage to Tolkein, the baap of epic fantasy writing. Nice way to enter the Big League of fantasy writing.

Homages apart, however, Harry Potter is, at heart a kids' fairy tale. The story, when you search in your memories, somehow brings back memories of Enid Blyton more than anything else, she of the Noddy series and The Three Golliwogs and the Famous Five and fairies and talking rabbits who, whatever else they do, do not miss tea and girls who don't get jam and cake at the same for screaming their heads half off. The books are about children, more than anything else. They are about a real world, which is just more fantastic than we know - you don't have to imagine a tower and Medieval Europe to get her stories. They are quintessentially British - with the 'propah' speech, manners and tea-cakes (and equivalents for modern day Britain). And they are fairy tales, in ending good and proper with "they all lived happily ever after"

And that is about all I can possibly say about "The Deathly Hallows". It's been about a week since I got it, and the damn thing has got me posting thrice in a week, when twice a month is the standard rate. Ok, that's the last thing I can say. Some book.

Harry Potter and the Deadly Denouements

Ok, this is something of a pointless excercise. I mean, the book was the fastest selling book in history before it was released. William Shakespeare, Geoffrey Chaucer and J.R.R Tolkein jointly giving it two thumbs down wouldn't take a cent off the billions it's going to make. But anyways.....

THE BAD

Awesome though the book was, it had several things that well, niggle at the reader. By far the biggest niggler (no racist implications there) is plot predictability.

While waiting for the book release I, like any number of jobless HP fans with broadband access, scoured the Leaky Cauldron for info about the book release. In the process I ended up reading several predictions made about book 7. The most important ones:

(a) Snape would turn out to be a good guy after all, because he'd loved Lily
(b) Harry would willingly sacrifice himself to Voldemort in the end
(c) Harry would turn out to be the final Horcrux beyond the 6 destroyed (which is why he'd have to sacrifice himself)

Not only did all three turn out to be true, the book used the exact reasoning the predictors did. Take the Horcrux thing for example. The analyst's logic was that while Voldemort used specific murders to create Horcruxes with the torn portions of his soul, the number of murders he committed would make his an extremely damaged soul (think torn and patched here and there). It would make sense that since he killed two people before attempting to kill Harry, those one or two bits of soul would be hanging loosely and, when his rebound curse turned him into Shadowmort (the popular internet term is Vapormort), they'd disconnect. They'd then enter Harry, he being the only receptacle around. Hence his scar, Parseltongue-abilities and Voldy-sense.

In the climax, Harry finds out he is the final Horcrux, for the same reasons as described at the Leaky Cauldron. This was a bit of a let down. I mean, you don't think J K Rowling's plot would be foreseen with such accuracy, least of all by ginny_potterfan75 (fictitious). And surprise, surprise, he has to give himself up to Voldemort and die so Voldemort can be killed. I wonder - has Rowling been posting spoilers under a pseudonym to raise the fever pitch a bit? Or hiring ginny_potterfan75 to, ahem, help out with the writing?

The next bad is Harry's "power". The prophecy mentions "power he knows not", and as we all know, this is love. LOVE. LUUV. LOVEY DOVEY WOVEY Love. And the fact that Voldy's a bipolar sociopath who can't understand it. So, what role does it play, apart from getting Harry and Ron each an intense PG-13+ make-out scene? (Oh yeah, J K Rowling's put in something for everyone)

In a nutshell, none. Harry's finally defeating Voldemort has zilch to do with love, or his ability to love. It has to do with Voldemort not checking the fine print of:

• Genesus horcruxus or Fuin jutsu: Horcrux fujin or whatever that spell was that seals a piece of your soul into something
  
• That whole business of rebuilding his body with Harry's blood

and a series of duels - one in 1945, one in the Half Blood Prince and a couple in this book - that had nothing to do with love. Harry's love-powered self sacrifices helped set up Voldy for aeventual defeat, but in no way was love Harry's power, at least not the power you'd expect a "Chosen One" to have. From the previous book I figured Harry'd either use his Luuuv EQ to beat Voldemort in some mental struggle or make a Loveton: Rasengan or something. Neither happens. Disappointing.

Next, the Deathly Hallows - 3 objects that enable their owner to 'master' death. Their mysteerious background sets them up to be the focus of the 100th minute, the point where the villian's united the fragments and is either in possession of some super-supernatural ray gun, or has unleashed Cthulhu and Ghatanothoa from another dimension, and it's upto the hero/es to fix either in about 10 minutes, before the world ends and credits roll.

What they turn out to be is a setup to facilitate a terrific Deus Ex Machina, and a step short of a MacGuffin.

Deus Ex first. As with the Horcruxes, these things have been hidden (the difference of course is they have passed down through the ages). They started out though, with the Peverell family. Through a series of events, they moved from owner to owner. When the protagonist spends like 340 pages looking for a great Invisibility Cloak, it isn't the best of plots that reveals it to be the one in his pocket. Wouldn't you just know his great-great -great -great -great -great -great -granddaddy was the last Peverell or something? Ditto, when a superwand everyone's been looking for turns out to be Dumbledore's. The super-wand apparently gives allegiance to its owner, which transfers to whoever beats the owner ('beats' is hazily defined. All we know is to defeat in a duel, kill in sleep or simply disarm from behind count as 'beat') This is what finally saves Harry's posterior - Voldy didn't know a weak underling, whom Harry 'beat' earlier, 'beat' Dumbledore before Snape, whom Voldemort 'beat' to get the SmartWand. So when he and Harry slug it out at the end......... whoops, he should have taken Harry's climactic 5 minute wand exposition seriously. And that is what saves Harry's tush. Not love or character strength or Glucon-D.

MacGuffin next. Finding the three and putting them together does not give Harry the super-duper ray gun to beat Voldy or vice-versa. In fact, the only significant Hallow turns out to be the wand,which at the end is returned to Dumbledore's grave. The second is lost, and Harry keeps it that way. And the third is his Invisibility Cloak, which he continues to use exactly as he did before. The net point of "the Deathly Hallows" - Deathly boring.

Finally, the expositions. The Deus Exes are believable, but having them explained by Dumbledore in a pre-finale exposition (How the fuck did he do that? He's dead) takes a good deal out of the story. Furthermore, the final explanation of Snape's allegiance, the hardest hitting part of this whole sordid tale, takes place over a solid 45 seconds, five minutes before the pre-finale finale (the false finale, so to speak). Lot of info crammed into very little time. I wouldn't be surprised if Harry's "scar pain" were really his head exploding from all the info overload.

Harry Potter and the Deadly Denouements
THE GOOD

Well, it's finally here. After a lot of Leaky Cauldron sessions, spoiler guesses, pre-ordering and fake version downloading, I got Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows on Saturday. Those who know yours truly will know of his phenomenal reading speed, and it is with a mixture of orgasmic satisfaction and nostalgic melancholy that I put down the book. What's following is a review of sorts, and yes, there are spoilers, so those who haven't read the book and want to, now's a good time to hit Alt+D.

The Good:
"Good" doesn't quite describe what's positive in this book. Super-duper-awesome or mega-fucking -great, they're better fits. This is the finale to the Harry Potter series and it shows. As we all know, this is when Harry's :

(a) figured out the how and why of bumping off Voldemort
(b) run out of father figures/friendly mentors worth a damn in a fight against him

Also, with Dumbledore dead and the Ministry alternating between (fake?) encounter killing & pretending everything's happy-happy-joy-joy, we know the time's right for Voldemort to show his stuff.

So how does he do it? By doing one of those "Acknowledge me ruler or die" threats from James Bond/Doctor Who/G.I. Joe? By rigging a global Crucio curse to will everyone into submission? By blowing up Parliament and putting the Dark Mark over it, a la V for Vendetta? Nope. The guy's smart enough not to incite open conflict. He simply kills half the wizards in the Ministry, Imperiuses (brainwashes/mindwipes for Muggles) the rest and establishes a puppet ruler, who announces the accidental demise of the previous Minister and openly establishes Voldemort's Nazi-type order. Muggle-borns are to be registered and investigated for "stealing powers from legitimate wizards". Hogwarts now teaches Dark Arts, as well as hatred of Muggles in place of Muggle Studies and gangs of beta-level followers thug up people for no reason. There is no resistance, because, as explained in the book, everyone knows who's behind the change. But this way, it's only whispers and talk within houses. People daren't confide in each other, for fear that their suspicions are false, and more fear that they are true. The fear of chaos, reprisal and targeting keeps them silent, and him in power.

This scenario is interesting, mirroring both past (Hitler Youth, SA/SS gangs and the Holocaust) and present (Dick Cheney, anyone?) history, and fictional events (think of the Party with Big Brother and the Thought Police). When you consider that throughout the series, save the Order of the Phoenix, the state and the wizarding community at large have been content to be hapless victims who flinch at the memory of a dead foe, fawn over heroes without emulating them, discredit those who disagree with the State (Order of the Phoenix had a point there) and be openly, if mildly, racist (the House elves' servitude, the marginalization of Centaurs and werewolves and giants and a house that admits only pure-bloods), you have to realize - they've had this coming a long time. J. K. Rowling has done an exceptional job in showing how a 100 itty-bitty mistakes result in one giant reprisal.

Second, Harry's battle - starting with going about finding Voldemort's Horcruxes and avoiding his traps, to destroying them all and facing him in the finale - is a battle. It is Pelennor Fields and the Battle of the Black Gates (Incidentally in the climax, centaurs suddenly turn up as last minute reinforcements. Coincidence? I think not). There's difficulty - Harry, Ron and Hermione have to live off the land for weeks, and Hermione actually brainwashes her parents into foretting her and fleeing the country, to safeguard them. There's dissension - Harry stubbornly refuses to tell anyone else about the plan, which pisses em all off, Ron is fed up of chasing aimlessly for relics, and actually walks out on Harry in between. And there's the body count. This is some body count. The book has the largest body count in the series, with characters (the cutest, most innocent, most dragged-to-the-edge-but-saved-by-the-hero-at-the-last-minute type, most everything) dying left, right and centre, and in possibly the most horrifically painful ways. Rowling's depiction of this scenario is tragic, scary and most importantly, realistic. At the end of the book, the War's over and Voldemort's defeated, but it cost lives. VERY IMPORTANT LIVES (I'm giving a hint here).

Harry's feelings are touched upon pretty well too, in terms of what he's going through and putting his friends through. He's uncertain and scared for the future, but no less determined to go ahead with what has to be done. Batman he ain't and at one point, you can feel the waves of exhaustion come off him when he says "I've had enough enough trouble to last me a lifetime"
and longs just for his dormitory bed, for everything it signifies - certainty, peace and contentment. There's a touch of Peter Parker in his desire for normality.

And lastly, what's great is the sprinkling of wit that characterizes J.K. Rowling - the little details. At one point, in response to Ron's description of childhood fairy tales, Harry mentions Cinderella, to which Ron enquires "Is that a Muggle disease??" Also, the Death Eaters show brains. When the coup is complete, they jinx Voldemort's name, so speaking it aloud summons them, armed and dangerous. Their logic - only the people likely to pose a threat to Voldemort ever use his name out loud. When you think about it, it's genius.

That's what's good. The bad and the ugly will follow......

St. Stephen's Fired

Up, that is. St. Stephen's college has finally contracted Reservationia pestis, after miraculously avoiding it through the whole of last year (Which, in retrospect, should have struck one as odd). Anyway, the brouhaha has started all over again, with two major differences.

One, this is St. Stephen's issue alone, so it's unlikely there's going to be the same level of action. Last year's announcement raised a storm (which was eventually contained in a teacup) - this is probably going to be a light shower. Two, last year's reservation plague was brought about by the Human Resource Desecration/Devastation/Depredation/Denudation/Deprivation/ Depreciation Ministry - this was done by the college's ruling board. The reservation moreover isn't for people of the Backward Castes/Classes but for Christians. (Though there's a major plus if you're additionally from some sort of Backward Caste)

So what's to rant and rave about?

The thing that differentiates the debate in this case from the usual Tooheyian vs. Galtian/Roarkian fights is the point the college board makes (led by some dude named Thampu. Anybody from Gitanjali here?) - the college started as a missionary-backed institute with the aim of educating Christians (and possibly producing more) and uplifting them; them as in 'Ctrl+I' them or simply, them alone. It's the Most Holy Trinity and its believers who back the institute, not the Almighty state or the students. So why shouldn't they decide who they let in or uplift or whatever?

Strange as it may sound, this point seems valid. Given that a college was started with a purpose by a specific group of people, why shouldn't it function for them alone? Sure, you'd wish these chaps would bring their arguments completely out of the closet (Thampu says “Academic excellence in St Stephen’s in recent decades has almost become a smokescreen for masking the privileges of the socio-economic elite” thus smokescreening his own view) but that's to do with the people making the point rather than the point itself. And this isn't restricted to "durrty paalitics"-plagued India. Purdue for instance, is affiliated somehow to the State of Indiana, and has to attract students from Indiana. They offer incentives for Indianans to come here and people are pissed if there're too many people from any place else (India or Illinois, Oregon or Ouagadougou) Same founding logic.

The bizarre dichotomy this reveals is this: Opening up any sort of institution dependent on individual and creative minds to the population at large is important for it to flourish. But at what point do you hold a restriction? I mean, imagine if tomorrow all world class institutes opened up completely, so anyone from anyplace could apply with an equal probability/passage of entry (JEE type stuff). Imagine IIT with a population of 40-60% smart Russians, Chinese, Brazilians, Americans whatever. There'd be an enquiry as to the "Indian" in it. Or what if Harvard were so filled with smart people from all over the place that Alex Worthington, whose dad built the Worthington Drama Hall, just couldn't make it in? The WASPs would unsheath their stings. And be justified in doing so too. So firstly, to what extent do you open up?

Conversely, to what extent is it OK for an institute to close up? To keep St. Stephens for those who frame John 3:16 on their walls or Purdue for people with the "Hoosier" gene or something? Those who started such institutions for their respective communities, do they have the right to render it unviable through such extreme measures?

Quite a conundrum - that's point 1. And two, Barkha Dutt was all bleeding hearts afire for the OBCs and denouncing the protesters's apathy towards OBC conditions and what not (she was justified in denouncing their abusive language though). Now that St. Stephen's going to have seats reserved in it she's gone and written this.

Tells you a lot, don't it?

Why do they suck??

It's a funny thing with Hollywood releases this year. The summer releases are all sequels. And not just sequels, they're part three sequels (trilogy sequels, if you will) and with one noticeable exception, they all suck. I mean SUCK!!!!!

My first premonition of things to come this summer was when I watched 'Spiderman 3'. I saw it the Sunday after it released. 30 minutes into the storyline came this scene - Peter's talking about how tough being Spiderman is to his increasingly jaded Mary Jane, when this girl who'd kissed him upside down (himself upside down) during a Spidey-honouring ceremony turns up AND turns out to be an old friend of Parker's. May Jane transitions from bored to bilious, shrieking "How could you kiss HER upside down? That was OUR kiss!!" and storms off in a huff. The scene significantly marked the first "What the f#@$!!!". More wtf's followed, with a count of possibly 40 by the time the movie was done. And this, mind you comes from yours truly, whom you all know believes Kalki or Christ, when they choose to save the world, will arrive swinging off weblines in red and blue tights. 'Let down' would be the understatement of the year, as far as the movie goes. Suffice it to say Sam Raimi and Topher Grace had best keep away from Comic Book Conventions for the next couple of decades. I can't imagine any Spidey fan not wanting to throw webs or goblin gas or chappals at them.

The next blockbuster was "Ocean's 13". While not sucking per se, it was something of a disappointment. Cast - the same as 11 and 12, save for Julia Robert's (thankful) absence. Eddie Izzard turns up as a replacement, but his role is minimal, as is Andy Garcia's as no. 13. Plot - the same as Ocean's 11. In fact, I might say the plot's a better version of Ocean's 11. They want revenge on Al Pacino, so they pull off a giant complicated scheme. Sure, the scheme was an intricate, twisty-turny thing, but so was the one in 11. Is a sequel supposed to be a piece in its own right, or simply a photocopy of an original? So the disappointment.

The third and most recent disappointment, was "Pirates.......bean: At World's End". While the first was neat and the second a maze that left you wondering as to the conclusion, this damn thing was simply an excuse to continue cashing in on Jack Sparrow t-shirts, Black Pearl rides and Davy Jones mugs. Following the initial 40 minutes, which the protagonists spend sailing to World's End (Get it? At World's End?), there follow a humongous set of double-crosses, locale shifts, exchanges of "Arrrgh"s and similar pirate jargon and to top it all off, a long speech by Keira Knightly about how even a few "free" men can fight evil conquerors and at the very least make an ending that is worth remembering, the kind that's delivered when your enemies are 7 foot tall dudes in moving thrones carried by hundreds of slaves. "Freedom" is somehow starting to become to America what Peking duck is to China.

When you think about it, this applies to most second sequels in the past few years. The Matrix Reloaded provided an interesting premise, but Revolutions turned out to be a philosophical-cyberpunk mush. Star Wars Episodes I and II sucked, and so did III, so not much of a disappointment there. Shrek 3 has been touted as dismal in comparison to 1 and 2. X-Men 3 was god-awful (my first post here panned it). "Return of the King" alone, has not sucked.

So why is it? Why are Pirates 3 and Spiderman 3 and Shrek 3 only marginally better than, I dunno.... Sivaji??

A Nod to Pandora

Having returned from a month in India, I've decided to emulate Esoteric Pandora, in comparing USA and India. While I did miss the country as a whole, I had no inclination to sing "Yeh mera India!! I love my India" upon landing. So anyway, here's my contrast of India and the US:

Things I was glad to go home to:
- Mangoes: This was summer, and the mangoes were a bumper crop this year. And Thainadu being Thainadu, I could cut a mango into two large slices and shove my upper jaw into each till the juice ran down my chin. (I'm still talking about fruit here btw, so VP don't get all suggestive imagery HAW!! HAW!!)

- Vegetables: I think I could count the various vegetables I've consumed over the past year on the fingers of one hand. Non-veg is fine as an occasional outside thing, but the TamBram stomach calls out for home made vegetarian sappadu. At long last, non-meaty things that aren't either boiled, served cold, mashed or served on a pizza/burrito!!! At long last, carrots and beans with coconut and chow-chow koottu and bhindi and vayakkai and fried chepangkayangu and keerai molaguttal and paruppu usuli. And my two all time favourites - masala-laden fried potatoes (the way Mom makes it) and Aviyal (the way anyone makes it). I spurned non-veg by and large over my trip. Screw meat, I can swim in it here. Vegetables and rice are what you return home for.

- Relegation: One of the things that makes life in America so character-building and strengthening, and thereby most unpleasant, is the need to do everything oneself. One has to cook one's own meals, make one's own coffee, iron one's own clothes, drive one's own car....... Being in the lap of middle class luxury was something else - a driver and car on call, somebody to clean the room and smooth the sheets and make the coffee and do just about anything else you can think of...Maybe if enough Mexicans come on over, I can have a 'maami' (the Mexican term is vieja tía, I believe) and driver of my own up here.

- Not having to go to a Wal-Mart or Costco or whatever. I mean, walk 10 minutes down the lane and there, you have Krishnan Provisions, or Satyam Kirana Stores or Singapore Shoppee or Gopal General Store. Beats the hell out of searching through a football field-size obstacle course for a packet of biscuits

- Carnatic music and shlokas: They sound pleasant at 5.00 am, sort of a feel-good "Brand New Day" thing

- Coffee: I mean coffee, the kind you set the decoction to half an hour earlier and have between 6.30 and 7.00 am in a stainless steel tumbler when reading The Hindu. Does wonders for constipation

- Haircuts that cost between 50 cents and 2 dollars

- Trips to Landmark for a good long browse

Things I'm glad to get back to here:

- Roads that don't have cracked pavements with reeking open drains below

- The assurance that the guy in the next lane will be prosecuted/sued properly in the event of a car crash and will therefore NOT get in your way

- Not needing cash for most things

- Broadband that's actually broad; and wi-fi too

- The cheap price of electronics

- Ice cream with genuinely exotic flavours

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

The Bloghouse Continued... more Arbit Thoughts of an Arbit Fellow

Ok, this wasn't exactly back to back, and there are no zombies or slashers, but never mind.

Thought II: How in Control are We ?

It happened yesterday when I was returning from Taekwondo practice. A windy day with temperature close to zero. I was all wrapped up in a hooded sweatshirt, rain-jacket (there was possibility of rain), monkey cap and muffler. Add gloves and a pair of tkd pants and you have yourself quite an ensemble I suppose.

Anyway, I was at the main road, waiting for the light to change. And, as is my wont, I waited for it in a sort of eyes-open stupor, wonder whether Zahhak would be a good idea for a comic villain, or Macbeth would be good in the Hitchhiker's Guide, as a sort of ancillary character, when I made out "..eat this SHEEIT!!" with a secondary "Haha!!" and a couple of things whizzed past. One missed altogether, while the other brushed the jacket and dropped by my bike. I could barely make out a car with 4 people in it, as they turned around the corner and went out of sight. They threw chewed fruit rind or something.

I'm relieved. Whatever they threw, it missed. I wasn't hurt or humiliated in any way. But I'm also angry. I'm hurt and I'm outraged. And the target of a good deal of my anger is myself. I take jujitsu and taekwondo lessons for situations like this. You want to be prepared when a mugger comes at you, or a drunk leers at a girl you care about, or swastika-wearing white folk come screaming "Dotbusting time!!" or some such thing. But I wasn't. I could barely notice the car make or colour, let alone the number. And I knew even at that point, that there was no real point chasing a car on a bicycle, specially on an uphill road. But the inner me screams out. It's the voice of every critic who ever criticized me on strength or speed or stability or weight.It calls me a slow dimwitted fatass darpok. What the fuck is the point of your learning aikijujitsu, it asks. What could I have done? I reply, and it yells out "Something!!!" And I dunno what will silence it. The conscious me can only surmise that you anticipate situations like this only by going through them once, and figuring out what can happen, and more importantly, how to respond.

The second thing is the nature of the miscreants. We all know the type. They're the generic chutiyas - the ones who hit and run, the ones who take pleasure in the fact that they could annoy you, the ones you could chase forever, tire out and (If you've energy left) stamp out altogether (and face a subsequent manslaughter charge), or ignore. The least dangerous of potential attackers, in short, but also the ones who incite the most anger in you. They're to be found in bars and beach roads and maidans and any sort of broad public space from Rio to Reykjavik. But right now, the image of four white guys sticks in my head. I see four white bullies. And now, for I don't know how long, white folks are potential rind-throwers and spitters and callers of names and what not. White people are, in short the enemy now. Even my neighbour. Even the Spanish guy two rooms down. Even my major professor. Anyone and everyone who doesn't have skin colour medium brown or shades darker must now have an eye kept on.

Fuck. You spend a lot of effort keeping your life exactly in control. One fucking incident can toss your world about like this. It's scary

The Bloghouse.. or Arbit Thoughts of An Arbit Fellow

Taking a leaf out of Tarantino's and Rodriguez's book/books, I will be featuring a double feature this time. What are presented below are further arbit thoughts of, as you know, a very arbit fellow. So lets get to them without further delay.

Thought I:

Dollar Bill Marxism, or Looping Right Back Round

There was this "Will and Grace" episode I saw once, where Jack (look him here, if you don't know) is astonished and distressed upon being aroused by a woman. When he tells Will, the latter proposes he's turned so gay as to "loop right back to straight".

I was in Boston two weeks ago. I got the air ticket from Northwestern Airlines - found through CheapAir.com. It was among a handful of airlines with varying fares in the 250-400 dollar range, and happened to have convenient dates. Print a ticket, go to the check in counter, and punch in your codes. Show somebody an id to prove you're you, and the job's done. You're likely to meet an employee of Northwestern only if some thing's wrong with your number or reservation, and far from smiling with pleasure bordering on sycophancy, he/she's going to be bleary eyed and irritable. No cheery "How can I help you sir ?". This is like "Bhainchod it's not my fault your maader e-ticket number isn't right. Why the fuck are you eating my bheja, bhosadeekey?" [If you don't understand any of the Indian words, I am NOT going to translate for you] Oh and something else. You'd better have landed at least two hours in advance. If you don't, you'll probably set next to the single toilet on board. Chances are, even, you'll lose your seat.

Get in the plane and more surprises in stock. For starters, chances are your flight isn't really Northwestern or America West or whatever, but run by a smaller service leased/hired by Big Air. Little Air, in effect. 'Little' is the leitmotif of the corridor, the seats, the single toilet on board, and overhead bag storage space (Which is why you want to (I) beat the shit out of anyone who (a) is ahead of you in line (b) has anything that might be put in the overhead bin (c) both or (II) print out your boarding card 6 hours before you arrive, beating out all the others who had enough initiative to print it out 5 hours before) The silver lining is that your flight lasts only a couple of hours.

Ok, you're gonna tell me, so it isn't Jet Airways. You're in the US, and you have to take the equivalent of Air Deccan there. Here's the thing. Northwestern isn't the only one that trades flight comfort for economy. The truth is, there just isn't a Jet Airways equivalent here. There's no such airline service at all, not unless you have your own private jet or all willing to shell out like 1000+ dollars to go from Chicago to New York. The cozy system, that is so much the addictive staple in India, is all but non-existent here. Low cost airlines have dominated airlines so much, that they are now the norm rather than the exception. So, except for the really wealthy, everyone travels extreme economy-class. Sure, there's 15 different airlines to choose from, but they all offer essentially the same features, given the price range.

I started to find the same thing applies to food. Unlike India, where McD's and Pizza Huts are meant for pleasure, a burger or slice of pizza are the everyday man's lunch. Arby's tuna melt at 5$, with fries and a Coke. The all new Wendy's Hot Pepper burger at 4.50$, with chipotle sauce, jalapeno peppers and chili cheese. On average again, meals fall into the 5-20$ range. They're the type you order at a counter, and pick up in a tray or plastic box. Ok, Taste of China and Shanghai Surprise may have varying decor and sure, their meals aren't the cheap 4.99$ things at Arby's, but they both offer 10$ General Tsao's Chicken with rice and vegetables. And General Tsao's stays General Tsao's everywhere. If you really want high quality General Tsao's, meaning "Fried breast and sternum of chicken served in a delicately spiced bean, nutmeg and pepper sauce with dill, fresh aubergines and courgettes and Jinpo Southern China Rice" (Incidently, I've just made that up) you'll have to go to Han's, where there are waiters, and in white coats at that, a tuxedoed maitre'd who explains the recipes to you, asks you if you'd like Evian or Irish spring water, and finally charges you close to 100 dollars for two. And guess what, even special Frank (as opposed to average Joe) doesn't go there unless he's proposing to his girlfriend or wants to discuss a really special business proposal with his boss.

The same goes for just about anything under the sun. Clothing - Between TJ Maxx, Burlington Coat Factory, Target and Macy's, you can pick up anything you need. But again, there's no real difference between a Columbia Sportswear and an American Eagle one (beyond functionality of course, you don't want to wear a rain jacket on a frosty winter or vice versa). You can get any number of Televisions for 100 - 500$, but again, no real difference. High Definition ones are different, but THEY are inaccessible to most.

With the exception of books and broadband, all the things we look on as luxuries in India are to be taken for granted here. But they're all the same everywhere. The vast class of everymen live lives wherein their material possessions, from an external view, are homogeneous. Note that word. They're homogeneous. Like they all had the same food, clothing, shelter and travel means. Like they were living.... in a Marxist society.

Which brings me to the connection to the Will and Grace thing. The US has long been hailed as the Mecca of capitalism - the place where free enterprise rules supreme, and the market is ubiquitous, omnipresent and near omnipotent. It's my view now, that the USA, in its never ending quest for capital has looped back to Communism - perhaps not in line with Marxist theory, but surely as practiced by people in Communist states. With the exception of an elite - there it was a class of senior politicos, here it's one of uber-wealthy dudes - people's lives are uniform, on a material basis at least. [And I'm not exactly a Political Science/Economics PhD type, so absolute deference to anybody who has clearer knowledge of Marxism and Communist practice/leftist leanings/both]. Perhaps it's the nature of human economics. The ideals of left and right are yin and yang, and to be 100% of either, is to be a little of the other.

What do you think?

The Sum of All Irritation

While indulging in my favourite pastime - namely, arbit Net-surfing - I came across this blog. I've no idea who this dude is, but this particular post of his struck me as exactly what I find wrong with Virgin comics, or Spiderman:India or new media. It's not not Indian, but it's too worked up on being Indian.
"Why is "Indian fiction" a bookstore section, separate from fiction in general?"

Check this post out. Vulturo really got it right!!

OMG!!!!

This came in on IBNlive:
"

By IBNlive.com

Saturday March 3, 07:22 PM

New Delhi: Director Ram Gopal Varma’s controversy-ridden Nishabd has crash-landed into yet another row and this time it’s the Congress which is playing spoilt sport.

The Congress in Uttar Pradesh on Saturday demanded a ban on Varma’s latest release in which superstar Amitabh Bachchan romances Jiah Khan, who is more than 40 years younger to him.

Congress Spokesman Pervez Ahmed Khan told PTI that the film is against Indian culture and the screening should be banned immediately.

In a letter to Information and Broadcasting Minister Priyaranjan Dasmunsi, Khan said Bachchan is regarded as a role model in India and the film's screening will have an adverse impact on the people and the society.

“It would be in people's interest if the screening of the film is banned immediately," he said in the letter.
"
Gosh!! What a perverse idea!! Imagine all those poor impressionable 55-year olds who have a poor grip on reality and decide that since Amitabh can get turned on by the sight of a young girl, they can too!! I mean, they look up to him, right? And he's doing something horrible on screen, isn't he? I mean, remember the string of obsessive boyfriends that cropped up saying "Kkkkkirran" ? And that was just SRK. What could AB baby do? Dear Lord Almighty!!! Will someone please think of the 55 year olds? Or the 20 and 30 year olds who will become dirty old men of sorts in 30 years time, their even more impressionable minds scarred and perverted through this awful idea. Hai Ram, this is truly Kaliyug!!!

Of Taeguks and Taalams

Friend Pavan, who can be caught deconstructing zaniness every now and then, is famous for his comparison of cyclohexane and the blues, a comparison that calls for deep and out-of-the-box thinking and/or a chillum of really good Manipuri to make sense. Seeing as how my belt exam's just done (I passed!!! I am now a green belt with blue tip!! Only like 7 exams before I'm a black belt!!) it occurred to me to make such a comparison of music and martial arts (something you'd have figured by clicking the Wikipedia links in the heading)

To those who may not know, I took classical music for a good deal longer than I should have. I started to learn to play the mridangam, and continued to learn to play, till Amma and Appa figured out why all neighbours in a mile's radius took simultaneous strolls and drives precisely when my teacher arrived. Class X pretty much wound up everything, what with JEE and whatnot. It didn't help that my guru seemed to come one step closer to a stroke with each class.

Anyway, whatever I didn't learn, there was one thing that he drilled into me. Each taalam (and there were a lot of them) was made of a set of notes (again, a lot of them) Now, when playing, the idea was to have what you were playing as a set. But, he said, do not memorize them at once. Nor try to play them at high speed. To do so would simply mean to remember a single
compositional word. The important thing was to remember each note, so as to fluidly transition from one to the other. And that came from slow practice. If you didn't practice slowly, aiming for continuity, you wouldn't see the bigger picture, and be stuck. Practice the notes slowly. Slowly increase speed, and for God's sake Arun, practice harder.

All good. Fast forward a half dozen years. Exit mridangam, turn through IIT and finally enter Purdue. More importantly, Purdue Taekwondo and Purdue Aikijujitsu club. And keep on till you reach a few days ago. When I had my Taekwondo green-blue tip exam.

I'd been chafing in class for a while. Prep for the exam seemed to consist of doing Inner-Outer, Upper and Chop-hand blocks continuously. What a bore. And the stances. It lacked a point. So, when my exam came up, I was excited and more than a little dismissive. I was a bit nervous, but mostly confident of doing very well. Right up to the point when I noticed that there were three students with me taking the exam, and a gang of parents watching. Ok, squiggly-wiggly's in the belly, but still OK.

It was when the examining instructor called out the first form to be demonstrated that things started not to go as planned "Inner outer, Upper and Chop-hand blocks" she said. Whoa!! Three at once? Well that's OK, I figured. Right foot out first, Inner-outer, bring your other hand about and cross it and...."One" came the call. Hey, wait a minute, I wanted to say. I managed to do it though. "Two!!" Now with the left side, move and ... Oh shit the others have done it already. "Three!!" and "Four!!" and "Five!!" and so on. Three minutes and a cold sweat later, second form demonstration "Inner-Outer, and turning kick!!" Oh God, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

It was at this point that I realized the whole point of my teacher's instructions. The stance and the position may come naturally to you when doing a single one, but when in a situation where you have to use several, how do you switch between them? You don't want to be stuck between two stances, wondering about whether it's your left foot that goes forward or your right. Not only does that flunk you an exam, but it also keeps you stuck in any situation that requires MA application. Not desirable in a street corner when there's a punk with brass knuckles and/or a bicycle chain. That's why you practice several, so as to be able to switch between them with ease.

The experience also brought to mind something that my Aikijutsu teacher mentioned in class. A key difference between Aikijutsu and Taekwondo is the latter's emphasis on grips and takedowns, as opposed to Taekwondo's strikes alone. As our teacher explained, a lock technique may be broken down into a block, a stance and position shift, a counter-strike and finally the lock or takedown, but try doing each separately, and you'll end up with frustration (in the dojo) or a broken nose (in the street). A lock or takedown technique is more than the sum of it's parts, and so you have to remember its components, but not to the point of it's being just a sequence. It's something more in itself, and is but one component in the whole range of techniques that exist. So to master the art, again do your techniques slowly, but make sure you're fluid throughout (Here "fluid" has a definite meaning - keep moving!!!). Practice them slowly and with patience, till remembering technique X is remembering X, and not X = A + B + C + D.

To those who think I'm getting overly abstruse and/or pretentious, here's like a summary. What all this really showed me, and will show anyone who does both, is the importance of rhythm in martial arts as well as music. Rhythm and flow (the new Terrence Howard sequel) is vital to both, and comes from detailed practice. Practicing to the point where as above X = X and not X =ΣA, is how you don't see, but eventually feel, the bigger picture. Instinctively. The point where an Ikkiyo takedown or a back-piercing kick is second nature, and you're not aware you're doing it. Rhythm and flow are the same when practicing music, martial arts, pottery, swimming, hell even room sweeping if you see art in it. There's like one rhythm in all of 'em, the feel one.

Fucking disappointing, isn't it?

Shekhar Kapur's Devi:
Jackasses all the Way 2

Y'know, if I'd thought of doing this say 6 months earlier, I could have made a really neat pop culture reference, what with the Johnny Knoxville movie and all.... I suppose I'll have to be content with the humour of the dissection alone.Here’s to the Virgin Fuckers (neat phraseology there, don’t you think?) and issue 1 of Devi. Pardon the small size of the pics, you may have to open 'em in a parallel tab. But, those of you who appreciate this sort of thing won't mind. Do comment on this by the way, whether good, bad or ugly. Pictures courtesy of Newsarama.

Devi - Divine Virgin Protector or Whatever

“Devi” – Created by Shekhar Kapur and starring Rekha, if the red sketch is anything to go by.
Boy, I haven’t seen so many credits roll before a presentation begins, nor titles such as VP Operations, Studio Chief, Chief Creative Officer, CEO and Publisher…… for any comic book. It’s the content that people wanna read, fuckwads, not the illustrious names of those behind it!!! Even Stan Lee doesn’t stamp every Marvel product with his name and rank.

Chief, ahem Visionaries – a businessman with a flair for sexing up, the inventor, proprietor and propagator of “quantum healing”, and an almost Oscar-winning director who hasn’t come up with anything in a hell of a long time. I feel pity tingeing my disdain.

Ok, so this is the story so far, there's a divine woman formed somehow by the Gods, and you know she's divine from the fact she's "clothed in light" or something.

"Bring It Down" - Are there Oliphaunts around? Is this the battle of Pelennor Fields?

"The second century of mankind" - Evidently before they invented clothing for women, though after they invented blasters, gas-masks and giant castles with ramparts and bridges.

Something's not right, apart from the whole naked goddess thing. Why are people using arrows and crossbows when there're blasters to be had? Did they forget to invent gunpowder? And who are these purple dudes? Brahmins of the Shaolin-gotra?


Panel 1: Ah, so here we have the Dark Lord, who looks all saturnine and black-hearted and batty and even has his speech bubble as black with white lettering. How absolutely dark.

Panel 2: Re: "They call themselves the Durapasya - the Warriors of Light" I know what the fuck Durapasya's supposed to mean, idiot!!! I speak both English and Fake Sanskrit!!!

Panel 3: "The mongrels... take on the wolf" Hey, our Dark Lord's a racist too. Not to mention a Kennel Club enthusiast from the looks of it, if he knows of mongrels and what not. Seriously, Virgins, you ought to come up with a guy who uses cliches a bit less.

Panel 3: "The gods have a new champion. She's 36D size. They call her Jugs-A-Popping!! I mean, Devi"

Panel 4: "Haw Haw Haw!! No woman can take me down!! Don't you know that no man can kill me? So what could a woman do? Oh, and don't you think my shiny black skull and glowy red eye-sockets look awesome? I call it "the Terminator look" One of those sudden inspirations"

Panel 1&2: "Lord, I mean it. This one's like... Xena. Or Wonder Woman. Only more naked. She could kick butt"

Panel 3&4: "WTF!! Mader@#(*!! Dark Lords do not flee. Not until the stronghold's stormed and the enemy's right in and... Oh, there you go. Confrontation time!!"

Re: "You should have run..." "What, and miss this? You were right, General Sidekick, she's hot. Y'know sweetie I have a real thing for lightning brassiere. Let's chat"

Is she remotely Indian? Apart from brown skin and a common American Indian name, there's nothing to really make her one of us. Or a goddess for that matter.

And I'd like to know what these warrior dudes intend to pull off, kneeling behind her with swords. Perform "Crouching Tigers and their Suddenly Rising Dragons: The Musical"?


Panel 2:
Sidekick: "Charge!!!" Monks: "Countercharge!! Climb him and and we'll do to him what we've wanted to do with her!!"
Panel 3: Re:"Death's cold .....": When you have to shoot, shoot, don't talk!!

Panel 4: Re: (Dark Lord's RE:): You too!!

Panel 1: Re: "...slow and painful..": (Yawn) When you have to shoot.....

Panels 3and4: I wonder if he's really possessing them or they just became aware of their gonads. Either would produce the same effect

"Baalaaaa!! Y'know how hard it is to develop a booty like this? Even harder than shooting lightning from one's naked body!!"

Panel 1/2: "Coward!! Hide behind...Fight your own...!!" Well, duh!! D'yu expect the uber-evull dude to play fair? Follow Queensbury rules perhaps?

Panel 5:
"Your ego.." So Freudian psychology was invented in the second century as well.
"In about two minutes you'll kneel before me. Till then let's get some coffee and play chamma-chakka" Jeez, does it get any cheesier than this?

Panel 1: "Pathetic. Though not as pathetic as my yakking my bat ears off rather than finishing you once and for all when I have you groggy and knocked out. When will I learn "When you have to shoot...." ? And what do you think of my metallic black glove? I got it at an LOTR convention. The Witch King actually wore this, y'know!!"

Panel 3: "....only human" What is he, an Agent of the System now?

Following panels:
Suddenly... WHUMP!!! "OMG!! WTF!! HTF did you WHUMP me? And WyTF am I still doing nothing but staring at you while you go about WHUMPing??"

Panel 1/2: "Arrrrgh" Ok, power moment. Where's the temple bells? They ought to be ringing now, as "Jai Ma Devi" or something plays in the background.

So, this all-powerful Dark God can like possess people, fly a bit, make his eyes glow and throw a punch or two. That's it? Gods ain't what they used to be, huh?

Panel 2: I was wondering what the Martial-munis were doing with the flunky. Well, looks like they're back in.

Panel 3: So by re-invented, Virgin means they figured Devi would make a great Spiderwoman. Or Sheena. Or anyone who could swing.

Panel 1: "OMG!! She got him" - Martial munis.
"Know this... Not that it's going to make any difference at this point. I am the power of the pantheon. I am the force. I am the person who's knocked you down and is going to crow over you verbosely. I am the power of the cliche." Power of the pantheon. More re-invention I suppose.

Panel 2: "If it were upto me....Unfortunately it isn't, so all I can do is rant at this point and wait for your inevitable escape in subsequent issues"

Panel 3:
"How could you? You were the chosen one!! It was said you would bring balance to the Force, not turn to the Dark Side" And to top it off, Father Odin the Henko-White Fairy-Pope is also carrying a double bladed lightsaber.

The pantheon in the meantime, consists of a purple translucent dude with cancerous blue bubbles, grieving Daddy Whitebeard, Wonderbra-Woman, an Eagle, Ganesha's twin who went on Atkins and some guy with a Donkey's head. Inventive. More than anything so far.

Dying ninjas: "Dammit, I thought we were going to be in Kill Bill volume 3. WTF is this?"

Panel 1:
Ninjas: "We were sure this was Kill Bill. See, we even came to fight without any guns"
Phone: "Hello XYZ. What's your favourite scary movie?"
Re: "Who is this? I am busy killing professional bodyguards and can't spend too much time talking on the phone, let alone inquiring when absolute strangers call"

Panel 2: "Apsara: Heaven's assassin" Right. So naked lightning brunettes aren't enough to take out Heaven's targets. They also need leather clad red-heads.

Panel 3: She kills bodyguards to get to a target who happens to be a yakuza? Is this the House of Blue Leaves? Tarantino oughtta sue. Or send Jules and Vincent.

Panel 4: "...art form". Right. Can you like get more oily? Or cliched? Or hackneyed? Or ass-licky? [I'm asking the guy who wrote the dialogue]

Panel 1: "Hey Yoshi, guess what? Your wife hates you. Ever since you contracted gonorrhea and syphilis right in the face. How you got her sister is like a real mystery"

Panel 2/3: So our heavenly angel killer is like a feminist as well, huh? I can see her enacting the Vagina Monologues tomorrow.

"Call me Lord Baala. Or rather Lo-Baa-Diddy. Wanna get ya freak on my ride, Mama? Check the bling-bling out" Sitapur is in East LA, it seems. And for some reason, this dude attracts bats even when in his real estate office or wherever. Now that's an effective disguise. As effective as his changing his speech bubble so it's white inside now.

The fucknuttery continues.... what will happen next? Will Devi reborn beat this guy? Will the redhead take her out first? Will the hot chicks share sexually tense action sequences. Find out by putting cash in Virgin pockets. Or not.