Musings of the Machaan from the Midwest

In the vein of all US-returned types from the movies, I have seen things that I didn't expect to see. Here are a few that particularly stick out in the memory:

1. 6 tigers and 1 leopard: It goes to show you what parks like Kanha are capable of. 1 tiger and the leopard were actually witnessed making a kill, which is like a one-in-a-million thing. I expected to see tigers at Kanha, and hoped to see a leopard. This went beyond all hopes and dreams
2. Fields of plastic: The most disturbing thing about the new market economy is that rural India gets products without the means to safely dispose of them. Jabalpur was horrific in this respect, with plastic bags clogging and filling the city's drains. Equally disturbing was the sight of plastic filling every pit and basti by the rails on the train back to Delhi - there was a pool saturated with polythene which looked deceptively stable till you noticed an embankment and the water plants by it. Most disturbing of all: Plastic waste lining the highway towards Kanha, and slowly but surely entering the farmers' fields on either ends. If Kanha was the stuff of dreams, the trip back was the stuff of nightmares.
3. Baichung Bhutia on Jhalak Dikhla Ja: A man who was once regarded a crusader amidst the fatcats, a footballer in a cricket-frenzied nation, a man whom you never saw on TV and had to know from quizzes, is now in the news more than ever because of his dancing skills. What has reality TV done to our kalaacharam?
4. Nymphets on a Krishna devotional: I dunno who came up with the music to this video I saw on B4U. I can't find the video itself, [Update: here it is. Artist is named Tulsi Kumar] to show you. But the thing goes thus: Three schoolgirls (one of whom has an I-card saying she's sixteen) modify their I-cards to sneak into an adults only concert featuring the artist (if one may use the term). They then land up on stage as well with said artist and a dozen topless men. The ensemble then pull off the usual thumkas and jhatkas from "Kaanta laga" to "Mirchi", breaking ever so often to chant "Radhe Shyam" which is also the song title. I wish I could meet the artist. I could tell her Lolita Sahasranamam was a better title for her tripe.
   
5. Mahesh Bhatt making a documentary on GM foods: Yes. Tired of repeatedly discussing his marital difficulties and DVD-itis, the great man has now made "Poison on the Platter" a documentary on GM foods, taking input from such fellow biotech luminaries as Sri Sri Ravi Shankar and Baba Ramdev. That this is scientific is clear from the fact that a whole scientist - the director of CCMB - also had 2 cents to put in. The discussion that followed the screening of this effort was remarkable for inputs from two people. One said, why progress? What's progress? Why live in the city? What great advantage has any technology brought? The other spoke somewhat like Gautam Emani on speed (no offense intened if you're reading this my friend), trashing science, economics, media and the fact that I, as a graduate student with some technical qualification was so mired in it. He did not, amazingly offer me a red pill.

Jai Ho!!

It's rather apt that the Congress bought the rights to use "Jai Ho" as their slogan, considering that as little as a year ago they were considered underdogs, if not slumdogs. That they managed to go from being dependent on Amar Singh to being free of Laloo Yadav shows some good sense on theri part as well as that of the Indian voter. Their win of 200+ seats ensures that for a while at least, India will have a stable government not beholden to regional satraps and kingmakers. Journos, pundits and bloggers are already at pains to explain this reversal of fortune for the UPA. Here's my own two cents:

• If there was one thing that the debacle of Sarah Palin made clear, it was that obvious pandering to a base isn't very well recieved, especially when said pander-candidate is otherwise an out and out trainwreck. The BJP should have realised this with Varun Gandhi. To give the devil his due, he's won his Pilibhit seat. But in failing to put a leash on this obnoxious little Rottweiler, the BJP of Atal Behari Vajpayee, Jaswant Singh and Yashwant Sinha has lost its way.
• If there was another thing that the 2008 US Presidential Elections made clear, it was that people do not appreciate a one-cure-fits-all slogan, least of all during a financial crisis. As with "Cut taxes" and "Bomb Iran", "Restore POTA", "Build a Ram Mandir" and "Fuck Muslims in general" pretty much wrecked it for the BJP with just about anyone who thought before voting. They had one good idea (National I-cards) on their one good issue (National security). But neither idea nor issue were given much voice, screwing it big time for the party.
  
• Nearly 50 years after Nehru and 30 years after Indira, the blessed Gandhi name still carries weight with the Indian janata, especially in UP. Varun Gandhi was tolerated because of his last name and won his Pilibhit seat too. Rahul Gandhi managed to manuoeuvre his last name so as to keep his Amethi seat and up the number of Congress seats in UP to 20. He and Mayawati were two people expected to come into their own at this point. He managed to exceed expectations, unlike Mayawati whose party took a major hit
• Against all odds, writer, UN diplomat and all-round pompous ass Shashi Tharoor has won his seat in Thiruvananthapuram. There's hope for the over educated English-speaking people of India yet.
  

Hail the Motherland, Down with the Fatherstate

An election season winds to a close. A new Government will come into being. And its first action will be to dole out largess to the various vote banks it went about wooing. The UPA has already mentioned reservations for minorities - what the FUCK does that mean at this point? - and a national food subsidy for every poor individual in the country. They also mean to expand the NREGA and the standard free power packages. Other parties are also busy promising people things that will drop into their lap as gifts, should they come into power.

Note the use of that term. Gifts. None of these actions are in any sense directed towards mitigating India's issues of poverty, inequality etc. None of them, even the ones that aim to "uplift" the poor, do something that directly enables the underprivileged. Bounty must needs drop from the sky - or rather the public Exchequer - onto people in exchange for their vote. The standard responses to these promises are cynical statements like "It's an excuse for corruption" or "These politicians are only out for their vote banks". What a lot of people miss however, is the cultural history behind these actions.

Consider pre-British India, specially in the waning days of the Mughal Empire. A territory could belong to one ruler today, and another tomorrow. Today you might have to report to the Peshwa of XYZ, and tomorrow to the Nizam of ABC. That Peshwa/Sultan/Nizam/Raja moreover would delegate all responsibility over the land to some local jagirdar/zamindar. Within this feudal and often fractured system, consistent bootlicking was the only way to get anything you wanted from those in power, who were essentially men with swords/guns/artillery. You can call this an opinion, but think of this - How many of our old tales involve crises that were in the end resolved by a wave of the ruler's hand, whether a crisis of poverty or crime? The ruler is traditionally held as a dispenser of all state functions - largesse is his/her generosity and justice his/her righteousness. The idea of an independent functionary who dispenses the duties of the state because it is his/her function wasn't there (Although there were rare exceptions such as Akbar, who established a Quazi system for legal disputes and so forth).

The British could have fixed this if they wanted. But they didn't care to. It suited them to take the places at the very top, and worry only about getting theirs. Hence, with marginal improvements, the bureaucracy that Macaulay established in India pretty much took the place of the original system, with babus and Governer-sahibs being the ones whose boots had to be licked.

The real sin Nehru committed was in not removing this mental baggage, IMO. In establishing his Socialist state, Nehru essentially told the people "We'll take care of everything for you. You need do nothing. Not be entrepreneurs, not think competitively, not take the offensive when it comes to your betterment, not even pay taxes" He moreover expanded the role of the State, giving it soft power over all socioeconomic aspects, and nationalized just about everything under the Sun, assuring people the Gornament would do all and provide all, be the maa-baap of the people. His babus however, made it abundantly clear that their services had a price. Glory of the nation and advancement of the people was all fine, but sarkaari salaries after all were sarkaari salaries.

The result? More bootlicking. Except now it's to a whole bunch of people. It's to IAS officers. It's to IPS officers. It's to MLAs and MPs. It's to Secretaries and Clerks and Commisioners. It's to way more people than our medieval ancestors had to lick the boots off. And it reached a stage wherein bootlicking to strangers produced no result. Hence the development of regional/caste-based/linguistic/religious parties and candidates. Apne aadmi par to hum bharosa kar sakthe hain.

The way forward? Well, to some extent the market has shown the way but there's only so much it can do. The real task, if you see is for people to realize their rights, and collectively put the apparatchiks of the State in their place. This, sadly is hard to explain to a Jhumritalaiyya farmer. Till such time someone can do that, he must continue his daily supplications.

What to do?

I didn't hear what she was originally saying. I was hurrying home with dinner on my mind, she was sitting in a corner facing away from me and the wind and rain and street made whatever she was saying unintelligible. Hell, all I can tell you about her is that she had dark hair and wore a green or blue shirt (It's already fading away).

It was when I reached the road ten paces in front of where she was seated that her voice rose. "You did not ....(it was still garbled)...Are you a decent guy? What the fuck....supposed to...How am I.... How the fuck..."

All this I could hear as I was crossing over to the other side, which speaks both for the volume of said subject's voice and my desire to get away from a fellow human being in distress. Years of living in India, after all, have not gone to waste.

I looked back when I had reached the other side. She was saying something I could not hear. I couldn't see if she was speaking. What I could see was her head sunken and shoulders shaking.

She might have been talking to her father. Her brother. Her friend. Her boyfriend, fiancee or husband. Hell, for all I know, her pimp or drug dealer (this is unlikely btw, seeing as she looked like a college student). But to hear her speak and see her break down made me sympathetic.

What should I have done? Gone back across and admitted I heard her conversation? Come off as a voyeur? A possible creep? What would I have said to make the thing better? What COULD I have done? Tell me if something occurs to you.

It's a question we ask ourselves every now and then. And it's never pleasant when we do.

One Small Step....

I am a writer. So says Agni, the literary magazine:

"Dear Akasuna no Sasori (I used my real name but..),

Thank you for sending "Security Check." Your work received careful consideration here.

We've decided this manuscript isn't right for us, but we wish you luck placing it elsewhere.

Kind regards,

The Editors"

Now, if I could only become a published writer.

UNintelligent

Back in class V, one of the fun ways to spend Civics class was to play "United Nations". One dude would be India, one China, one Pakistan and so on. I got the chance to play some sort of mediator, the Sec. Gen. or whatever. Growing up, as one read of the role the UN played in recent history (mediating US-Soviet Conflict, Indo-Pak '49, Indo-China '62, Afghanistan, Rwanda and so on), it became clear that the actual UN wasn't much different from the game. Indeed, one wonders how they would fare on "Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader?".

But recently the UN did something that flies so magnificently in the face of logic and reason as to leave you awestruck. On the 27th of March, a resolution was passed that criticized, sorry condemned criticism of religion. Why? According to the august body, "defamation of religion" was a human rights violation. And what august body was this? The UN Council for Human Rights, in response to a proposition put forward by that eternal champion of human rights, Pakistan. Seeing this bold and noble step, various other nations, that were also members of the Organisation of the Islamic Conference (OIC) in Africa and the Middle East, each havens for human rights and dignity, backed this resolution giving it the full support it needed. Their point was that a "delicate balance" had to be struck between respect for religion and freedom of expression (full story here).

For the human rights watchdog of a body formed to promote human rights and development to propose curbs on freedom of expression is the sort of thing George Orwell would have loved to satirize, something so patently ridiculous you do not know whether to laugh or cry at it. The good news though is that this resolution is "non-binding" as is. The UN moreover in recent years has (mercifully) had just enough power to blow its nose and sneeze if the President of the United States okays.

A quick note on India's role in this. Along with Canada, India criticized the resolution as vague and easily malleable to fundie interpretation. On these noble grounds however, it did not vote on the issue. Nehru must be smiling somewhere.

Dante Alighieri wrote - The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who, in a time of moral crisis, remain neutral" The UN's very role was to promote such neutrality to begin with. It seems finally close to generating some heat on Earth itself.

More Awesome Bits and Pieces

In the vein of the one-liners, here we have more ideas that unfortunately lack a body of work to be attached to. Take for instance:

"Know, O Prince, that between the years when the oceans drank Anna Nagar and the gleaming cities, and the years of the rise of the sons of Seri-yaas, there was an age undreamed of, when shining kingdoms lay spread across like blue mantles beneath the stars--Nengambakkam, Ompet, Besantia, Peramburea, Zaidapet with its dark-haired women and towers of spider-haunted mystery, Zingamani with its chivalry, Thatth that bordered on the pastoral lands of Shetput, Stygiapet with its shadow-guarded tombs, Triplikania whose rickshaw-kaarans wore steel and silk and gold. But the proudest kingdom in the world was Thiruvanmiyonia, reigning supreme in the dreaming West(?). Hither came, black-haired, sullen-eyed, sword in hand, to tread the thrones of the Earth under his chappaled feet.........Kannan the Barbarian"

[See this for reference, though you should've got the joke by now]

Similarly, take the title for my memoirs, wherein I discuss everything from martial arts to the Hindi I learnt at IIT Guwahati:

"From Arae Maki To Teri Maa Ki"

Now if I could only get around to writing these things

Jai Ho!!!

Owing to the lack of spam guards at Guwahati till third year, a number of junk mails would make it to everybody's inboxes, from the Director down.The most annoying of these mails was this proclamation which went something like this:

India has world's greatest brainpower

India invented the zero

Indian scientists are leaders at MIT and Silicon Valley

Bill Gates loves India

Third richest man in the world is an Indian (!!!!)
(etc. etc.)
.
.
.
Therefore, be proud to be an Indian!!! Jai Hind!!

I recieved this mail something like 10 times, each time sent by some idiot who clearly felt our patriotism could use a boost.

What kind of moron must keep preaching "be proud to be an Indian?". I'm not ashamed to be an Indian and I dare you to denigrate my country before me yes, but whatever achievements the country has made are split amidst a billion-plus people. Pride is something that should arise from individual achievement. What these mails preach is a blatant jingoism that smacks of some pretty deep insecurity on part of sender and creator alike. This same insecurity is seen when we jump for joy at Sunita Williams' achievement. An INDIAN in space, we say. Uh, and what of the fact that she was raised in America, is half-American and married an American? No no, she ate dhoklas in orbit!! There's deshbhakti for you. Similarly, we like to claim Rushdie, Desai, Lahiri and hajaar other such foreign citizens as our own, despite their not having been near the subcontinent in God knows how long. People who garn Western attention must be held close to the Indian bosom, no matter how tenuous the connection.

The reason for this rather lengthy intro is the news of Slumdog Millionaire winning 8 Oscars, including Best Picture. Or rather, the news of what happened after it. Readers here know my opinion of this film (go here for a quick refresher). A large section of the Indian populace found it similarly cliched and denigrating (see here), and the movie did not really sell in India.

But Sunday night changed everything. Monday (the corresponding day in India) became "India's day, a time to beam with pride as the world's largest democracy gathered up Oscar gold" to quote the LA Times.

"“What a day it has been for India!” gushed a television news anchor midmorning." to quote the New York Times.

And not to be left behind, our Param Pujya Pradhaan Mantri issued a statement saying that the people who worked on the film have done India proud, the Arthavyavastha Mantri said "the country of a billion people adopted Briton Danny Boyle's film as its own though it may not be an Indian film" and that said film marked the rise of Indian soft power and the Sansad "hailed the success saying the ‘historic achievement’ of three Indians winning Academy Awards is a global acknowledgment of the excellence of Indian artiste"

And India celebrated, apparently by going for a collective haircut if one is to believe the L A Times again.

India celebrates!!! (This was actually the caption they put)

Jai Ho!! Jai Ho!! Yet another reason to be proud to be an Indian. I can see the next mail coming.

The Valentine Monologues

Aa gaya Aa gaya, Valentine's day aa gaya,
Aa gaya Aa gaya, something something aa gaya

(arbit song from the 80's, the rest of which I can't remember)

My weekly call home took place earlier than usual, during which, when discussing Mangalore, my Dad brought up an interesting point. A point that can be summarized as:

"Indha Valentine day-allaan yedhukku? Namba tyethla idhallan yilliyae"

His tone added to the question, conveying the bemusement that older generations feel with this muhurtam for cho-chweet lovey-dovey shit. This in turn leads me to muse a good deal and post my thoughts on V-day.

At least in the Indian context, Valentine's day is not older than a decade, twelve at best. It began to make its presence felt about 6-7 years following the opening of the free market, which, when you think about it, is the time Hallmark took to build up a presence in India and Archie's to penetrate the market beyond Delhi and Bombay. About '97 is when we began to hear of this, of couples going to dances for V-day, of cafes and whatnot holding couple specials and of course of all the stuff you could buy for your significant other at "gift stores". Because as we all know, nothing says pure romantic love like a 70 Rupees card and a 200 Rupees pack of chocolate. Woh tab tha jab Chocolate hi gift ke liye de sakte the. Ab dete hain iPod, cell phone, deluxe Bouquet, dinner at Fleury's, Night-out at Fever etc. etc. and of course Archies or Hallmark gifts. V-day is essentially a fallout of the Great Opening Up of the Indian economy, with every goddamn retailer and restaurateur hoping to con someone into spending cash, and every dude in the media brainwashing people into considering this acceptable and even essential to love, chweet, icky lowwwwwwwve.

Ok.

Now, I had a middle-class upbringing. I had wayyy less cash or time to spend on these days than a lot of my schoolmates, who bought into this a good deal more. We nevertheless were a sort of starter generation, in the we-can-take-it-or-leave-it stage. It is worrisome, to me and I guess to the older generations of today, that so many youngsters are hooked into what is essentially a spending addiction, for no reason than that CCD and Fever have special couples' discounts and VJs Mini, Malaika, Shenaaz, Piya, Nikki and so forth (notice any Sharanyas, Priyas or even Poojas there) strut their stuff on TV and tell you to go do spend. Is this romantic? Not by a long shot? Is it worth the attention it gets? Not by an even longer shot. Does it polarize society even further, separating salwar-kameez-thayir saadam with ooruga tiffin wallahs from jeans-miniskirt-CCD-types? Absolutely. So I do sympathize with the Pink Condom campaign, who abhor violence and hope for Ram Sene-types to be locked up, but dislike V-day as a whole. Because when you get down to it, this is peer pressure akin to "take a drag yaar". There is no one muhurtam to lowwwve someone and then forget about said person for the other 364 days.

With that being said, I have to say celebration of V-day makes some sense for neophytes at dil-vil-pyaar-vyaar. When you're a boy (not a man) and you like a girl (not a woman, not a wife) and the two of you hit it off to the point of awkward, sitcom-style dating, it ought to mark an achievement of sorts for you to make it to one of these, like surviving a tournament to a quarter final. So for those who can derive some sort of enjoyment out of this, I say go knock yourself out before the realization sets in that you've been manipulated by the Man and his Machine. And as before, freedom, even to engage in activities as silly as this, is essential. Let Ram/Shiv Senas take this away today and you don't know what they'll find offensive tomorrow.

But for myself though, single, frustrated and quite devoid of the syrupy chweet lowwvey sentiment this day's supposed to drown you in, I just say "Valentine's day? Bah! Humbug!!"

Now That We've Reaped....

You'd think, after all the trouble we went through in November - to put it mildly - cops would take tougher stances against large violent gatherings in entertainment spots such as pubs and restaurants.

You'd think, after all the trouble about the live channels interfering with police action, they'd know better than to just sit and cover a mob attacking women.

You'd think, having done something that callous, the newspeople would condemn it outright as an assault on freedom and not start debates on "pub culture", calling the very person who instigated the violence to debate it on television, thus getting his message across to fellow saffro-Talibs.

You'd think the internal security apparatus would realize letting people get away with violence now tantamounts to letting them get away with murder later on. You'd really think they would arrest a man who brags about training Hindu suicide bombers to take on "the Islamic menace".

You'd think the Karnataka State Government would take strong action against perpetrators who openly threaten our freedom instead of mumbling some stuff about "pub culture" and how it is offensive.

You'd think people would realize that if you give up little freedoms today, you will lose greater ones tomorrow.

You'd think these terrorists, who use violence against hapless victims and openly discuss their agenda to take us to some Ram-Rajya out of B. R. Chopra and Ramanand Sagar, would be dealt with by the Government, the media and the people.

You'd think.

Slumdog Millionaire: Why So Serious

Like The White Tiger is a great serious book, Slumdog Millionaire is a great serious film. By great, I mean raved about by just about every film critic in the West (see here). By serious, I mean you do not just go to this film hoping to be entertained for a couple of hours - go see "Harold and Kumar" or "Singh is King" for that. You go see this film so as to uplift yourself and be lost in a masterpiece that captures the real India in a Dickensian fairytale of life and love. Having seen this oh-so-awesome film I wanted, as the title suggests, to ask Danny Boyle, Vikas Swarup and Co. "Why so goddamned serious?".

The movie, we are told, takes a Dickensian approach to depicting the real India. What it does is present the West with every known stereotype of the Third World - swap India for Congo, Afghanistan, Burkina Faso or Papua New Guinea and the movie would be unchanged save for some Hindi at the beginning. The real [Insert country here] is found in slums, amidst filth unimaginable that the camera sort of luxuriates in. Slum children are shooed away by teachers, other parents, policemen (in the middle of a riot) and beaten mercilessly at every turn (Something else the camera will focus on). Any stranger who shows kindness inevitably turns out to be some sort of pervert. All policemen are corrupt props for the eevull rich. Placed in this hell, the hero fulfils the most pressing concern a struggling slumdweller can have - he tracks down his one true love, a girl he has met perhaps twice since he and she were pre-teens. Gangsters, cops, a condescending quiz show host and his own evil brother stand in the way, but true love must triumph in the end.

Well, films are supposed to be fantastic and heaven knows you can find plot holes in "The Dark Knight". The problem with this film is its tone. If this film were meant to be a masala romance in the vein of "Kuch Kuch Hota Hain", "Taal" or "Only You", not to be taken seriously, where was the need for throwing in the slums of Bombay as a backdrop? And if we are to take "Slumdog Millionaire" as great serious filmmaking, well, here are a few problems:

(1) The usage of English in the film is inexplicable, especially given that the protagonist and his brother did not go to school – something the movie repeatedly reminds them and the audience. Nevertheless, they speak fluent English with British accents. English in India is used amongst the educated, its usage often a class distinction. For an otherwise illiterate boy to speak English, confidently addressing Westerners when posing as tour guides and using phrases such as “don’t give a shit” and “plenty of pussy for XYZ” is absurd.

(2) The host of “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” is repeatedly shown to mock the protagonist’s profession and background, calling him a chaiwalla (tea-bringer) and marveling at his luck. Mocking people for being poor on live television in India is as big a faux pas as using racial slurs on live television in the US, something no game show host wishing to keep his job would do. Equally unrealistic and distasteful are the repeated reminders by the news channels that the protagonist is illiterate. No mention is made of where he lives or works, simply that he is an illiterate slum-dweller.

(3) The police are shown to arrest the protagonist on the word of the game show host alone, who is never seen to so much as sign a First Information Report. They beat and electrocute him on the basis that an illiterate “slumdog” could not know what he did. Nevertheless, they suspect a smuggled microchip as a possible modus operandi. How could an illiterate slumdog use a microchip? The scenes serve no purpose than to show people how inhumane foreign police forces are.

(4) Whether it is in Bombay or Agra (location of the Taj Mahal), the protagonist remains surrounded by filth unimaginable. Especially cringe-worthy was the scene where the protagonist leaps into a pool of excreta to get to the movie star. Slum-dwellers are as concerned about hygiene and cleanliness as everyone else and for a person to do that is absurd. While much of India lacks development, it is offensive that a director repeatedly present such stereotypical images.

(5) Similarly cringe-worthy were the scenes where a passenger attempts to yank the two children off a moving train, and where a chauffeur mercilessly stomps the fallen child on the head. Again, the lot of street children in India is not a pleasant one. They are regarded with suspicion and hatred by a lot of people. It is absurd however that every member of the middle or servant class treat them with utter disregard for their lives.

We all have this yearning for India to be looked upon as great by the West, and SM has been

hailed as the best thing since bread came sliced by such greats as Shashi Tharoor, Chidanand

Rajghatta and Raja Sen. Like White Tiger, it is simply an attempt to pigeon hole us under

poverty, misery and call centers.

The White Tiger: Why So Serious?

This is a bit of a pointless exercise seeing as Arvind Adiga has written a second book already AND won the Manaviya Pustakwala Puraskar for this one. Reading this and seeing the book touted by newspapers and mags as great serious literature however, one feels compelled to put in one's own 2 paise on it.

Let's get what's good about the book out of the way. The book has a plot that consistently holds the reader's interest (it did mine), and stays suspenseful after delivering a minor jolt in the first chapter. Adiga does a decent job of making us root for the protagonist even though he isn't an underdog by a long shot. The narration is slick, alternating between tones of insight and black humour. All in all, you will never feel bored while reading this book.

The precise problem with the book is that it's not just a story of a guy from Bihar (Balram Halwai) who made it big in Bangalore. It's great serious literature with a great serious message, and has to be assessed as such. This message, like in movies such as RDB and A Wednesday is repeated every few pages across The White Tiger, till you want to tear your hear and scream "Yessir we get it". The White Tiger is essentially a "message book". This message, which the gora press also calls theme or undertone or describes as "painted in broad strokes", trumps the story, takes centerstage from Balram and ultimately swings your Tomatometer from "Good" to "Pretentious".

Well, what's the message, you ask? Well, put simply, the message is that life for the underclasses in India sucks. To elaborate, it is that life in a village in UP-Bihar is miserable. That villages lack basic amenities such as roads, medical services and schools due to corruption. That politicians rig elections in villages. That corrupt cops enforce political diktat in Bihar. That rural landlords oppress villagers and suck their lifeblood on a daily basis. And...... wait for it.... that you can get away with running over slum-dwellers in Delhi. Wow Adiga-sirjee!! How insightful and revealing. You have exposed the seamy underbelly of India to us anpadh-gawaar-types who thought it to be a magical land of sunshine and buttercups where rivers of chocolate flowed. Wah bhai Wah!!

[To be fair though, he springs three entirely new ones on us. The first, that a poor joint family is a milestone about the neck of an entrepreneur, akin to the chicken coop. The second, that landlords "lord it" over rivers and village roads as well as the fields. And the third, that wizened old grandmothers are evil and manipulative]

You may think I am ripping on the guy due to my desh-bhakti or whatever (friend Anu felt so when I discussed this book). Well here's the thing. An accurate presentation of life in a village would include detailed description of the village itself - its various streets, the shops, the people who run 'em, the people who pas through it daily and all this in detail. All Adiga presents us is a main street, which is described as bisected through a river of sewage and ending in a temple of Hanuman, which could describe just about any village in India. Ditto for the teashop, the school and the schoolmaster and the evil opressive bloodsucking landlord-politician-policemen. He presents us a generic village, cobbled out of bits of Yashraj films and R. K. Narayan and says "See!! See!! Life is so so bad!!". The approach is the same for Balram's master, kind and indecisive master Ashok-from-US. Being "US-returned", Ashok commits a number of cardinal sins. He marries outside the religion (a Christian NRI who likes to say "What a fucking joke!!" and who leaves him upon which his father says I told you so), pays and treats his servants better than his India-stayed brother (His dad says "The ideas you pick up") and most shameful of all, hates the idea of bribing people. All this despite having grown up with his evil-oppressor brother and father. Near the end, Balram kills him thinking he should've seen it coming and reflecting on how his brother wouldn't have fallen for it. And most significantly, while the book is supposedly about Balram's rise, we don't see much of that. We only know he used a sum of stolen money (which in present time, is fairly peanuts) to start a business which was a success, one of those Eureka!!-meets-Abracadabra type successes. Half the book is about Balram's generically miserable upbringing. Another one-third then brings up the prospect of stealing cash. He does it. Voila!! Balram is now a millionaire. So there, says Arvind-by Golly-Adiga. See, see!! India is so so bad no!! Poor man from village is fucked over always. Only way to get ahead is to murder rich mans from city. See see!!!

And lest you still think I'm unfairly getting at him for his message check his Wikibio here, where you'll see he's not been near a village in a long time, and his justification in writing the book, which is:

"At a time when India is going through great changes and, with China, is likely to inherit the world from the West, it is important that writers like me try to highlight the brutal injustices of society (Indian). That's what I'm trying to do -- it's not an attack on the country, it's about the greater process of self-examination"

He compares himself to Balzac and Dickens, who critiqued society in their times. Well, Balzac I don't know and critiquing society I don't know, but Dickens I do know, and Mr. Adiga, you're no Dickens by an interstellar shot. Dickens actually gave every one of his characters a unique background and personality. He made even his bad guys more than just generic constructs. And the reason he could do this was because he experienced first-hand the darker sides of life. That experience came out in his stories, whether the lead viewed them or experienced them, and that experience made his stories real, as opposed to yours.

Verdict: This book was touted as great revelatory serious literature, for which it won the Booker. It is for goraas who don't know shit about India and like to fit filth-and-poverty where they put snakecharmer- and elephant. For anyone who's been in India however, this is essentially an exploitation piece, with exploitation being what's exploited. Readable, but far from great.

And Yet Another Birthday

Well, it's happened. I've crossed 25.

What progress have I made compared to last year (ref. here)? Well let's see.

On the front of anti-aging, still no luck. I still feel immortal, which they say only the young do, but I realize, in the midst of vigorous taekwondo/jujitsu matches, that I ain't exactly what I used to be. Actually, I used to be a sluggish fat slob, so scratch that. I need more fitness is what I'm saying, so rather than de-aging next year, let's set weight loss and muscle gain as a goal. More realistic (Achievable? Who knows)

On the social front too I made progress. I went out on a whole date with a girl I liked. And I don't mean someone in class whom I met a few times, made friends with and applied ladder theory or anything, I mean a girl I saw who got ghantis bajaaing in the head and whose social life I attempted to insinuate myself into from day 1. How did that work out? A "whole date" should have told you where it was headed. I was depressed when it became clear slipped through my fingers, but it's a start. Hopefully this time next year I'll have a girl (Note: I mean a girl. That's what I want. Not a goddamn wife). In the meantime, I reflect on the fact that practicing full body throws the day after the great crunch was so painful as to drive out the emo hurts within, indicating that martial arts have to be improved upon in the process.

Great news though on the writing front. I've written three whole stories and a goddamn 130 page thesis - my prof called it a mini-dissertation. Rewrites pending on the one with the great twist ending before I send it out. So goals for next year - get the damn thing published. I want to be able to google my name and get a link to I dunno Zoetrope fiction as well as Biotech and Bioengineering (yeah that thesis is becoming a paper as well).

So there we go. A copper or silver jubilee of me and this is life. Let's see what the number 26 holds for moi. And yoi in connection with moi as well.

As We Sow...Redux

Well, here it is. The reaping.

We sowed it by doing nothing when Naxalites shot people in AP, Orissa and Bihar.

We sowed it by turning the page when cops were killed in Kashmir.

We sowed it by looking away when the Tripura Liberation Force and ULFA gunned people down specifically on Independence and Republic days.

We watered it by letting any politically-connected fool get away with calling bandhs, inciting riots, robbing freedom of expression and emasculating the law.

We fertilized it by going on with life as usual.

All that's left, is the reaping.

Bombay is reaping it since Wednesday. And what a reaping it is.

Awesome One-Liners I Haven't Found Use for Yet

This one's for Tams who like to mix English in their daily Tamil:

"Bourgeois aavudhu Theergaayis aavudhu!!!"

Get it???

Awesome One-Liners I Haven't Found Use for Yet

"She really puts the 'tit' in 'titillate'!!"

I'm open to suggestions as to context of use. More such lines coming up as I think them up (sans the story they should be in)

As We Sow......

Desh Drohi is this weird B-movie made by a fellow called Kamaal R Khan. So far, this was pretty much the most attention it got.

As of a few hours ago though, the state of Maharashtra called for a ban on the film. Apparently, cops and government officials watched it and concluded that it would offend the Maharashtra Navnirman Sena. The reason - the film is on migrant workers and more importantly has a villianous politician who ever so coincidentally resembles an estranged Thackeray high up in the MNS. Proving himself to have some sort of data processing equipment, this estranged Thackeray called for attacks on the film screening.

The response of the Maharashtra government is one for the annals: Concluding that the MNS would be pissed, they decided to ban the film "...apprehending law and order problems". Shiv Sena MP Sanjay Raut said, "We are happy that Mumbai police have realised the movie's potential to create law and order problem if it is allowed to be shown".

People talk of the need for a strong response to terrorists. Well, now we see just what the Maharashtra government's response will be. When you cannot be bothered to defend someone's right to free expression from a terrorist who openly shows himself everyday, how can you be bothered to protect their right to live from one who hides ?

Election Night

Ok, no BS on who's going to win - as of now, I don't know. And nothing on why either candidate should win either - lots of people have done better jobs on that. What I'm going to tell you is a story illustrating US politics.

Going to the Purdue Students' Union Building this morning, I saw a person ask people "Have you voted?" and pointing a couple who evidently hadn't towards the general direction of the nearest booth. I'd noticed people doing things on these lines for a while. For over a year, the news has pointed out how young people love Obama and attend his rallies and so on. Being in Indiana, a hard-core Republican state, I found similar action taken in favour of McCain, and this wasn't anything new.

On the way back, I notice this girl who's taken the current shift of asking people to vote. She tells me "Have you voted, sir?". I'd made it a point to look apologetic when telling them I'm not a citizen, and I do the same now. "I'm not a US citizen, so I can't vote" I tell her.

"Yeah, I know how it is. I'm 17 and can't vote till next year either" she says.

Note the number and voting status there. 17. This kid's still in high school, or is a freshman in college. Her batchmates are figuring out majors, sports teams, girls, GPAs or all of them. She takes this initiative to get people to vote (not vote Obama, but vote), and that despite being unable to vote herself.

This has been the real suprise to me in the Unites States, not the stuff about "a black man cac against all odds become president yada yada..". The importance people - and I mean middle class, educated people, who back home only may have voted, and would then moan about how it came to naught - attach to this responsibility.

Presidents come and go, and Obama (if he wins) is no exception, however much he may be a darling of the media at present. What is amazing in the United States is this attitude the people have towards politics, wherein they guide you to poll booths, volunteer to register you to vote (earlier on), set up clear directions to voting booths on campus and even offer voters discounts on coffee (Starbucks). This, and not party ideology, is what makes this country's offices strong, however accomplished or not the holder may be. Democratic power lies with the people. In the US, the people pro-actively wield it.

The Half-Blood Prince: Greatest Movie Never Made

[Note: For this to make even a lick of sense, you have to be familiar with two very popular franchises. One's obvious, the other not so much]

To: Christopher Nolan (cjnolan@memori.dk.uk)
From: Warner Bros. Executive Committee (warnerexec@wb.com)
Subject: The Half Blood Prince Script

Dear Chris,
We realize you, Jonathan, and David spent a lot of time on this script. But this is not quite where we want to take the series.
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Attachment: HBPscript.doc

The Half Blood Prince

Int. Gringotts Bank.
Five people in Death masks arrive and kill goblins around. They're masked and hooded.

Death Eater 4:
We're with the Dark Lord!! Anyone move and they get AK'd. You 3, get to the vaults.

Death Eaters 1,2 and 3 accompany a goblin down to the Lestrange's vault.

Death Eater 1
This job is going to be perfect. The Dark lord thinks things through real well (kills a goblin). So much gold for the six of us

Death Eater 2
Five of us
(AK's him)

Death Eater 3
Four of us
(AK's 2)

Death Eater 4
What's been up here? (sees dead bodies) Oh, three of us

He drags a sack of Galleons to Death Eater 5 who has been silent all this while

Death Eater 4
Amazing huh? (Silently drawing out wand) I figured the Dark Lord told you to kill me too, so there'd be two shares. You're dead

The Knight Bus crashes in through the doors and runs him over. Bellatrix Lestrange gets out

Dark Lord (to Bellatrix)
Load the gold

Int. Malfoy Mansion. In the night

Death Eaters meet at a table

Malfoy
This is terrible. Some freaks wearing Death Eater masks actually robbed my vault today at Gringotts. We have to find a way to take down the Ministry

Dark Lord's (Ralph Fiennes') voice
HAA! Ha-HA!! HA-hAAA!!Ho-hoo haha!! And I thought I was a snake in the grass

He enters for the first time, dressed in purple and green robes. His face is pale white with black slits painted where his nose was. His nose has been cut off and scars remain on the site. He laughs and hisses

The Dark Lord
Hehehehehissss

[His tongue is revealed to be cut up so as to fork in two]

Let's wind the clock a year. These Ministry people didn't even believe any of us existed. I mean, what happened? Harry Potter and Dumbledore.

Some Death Eater
So what are you saying?

Dark Lord
It's simple. We uh, kill Potter and Dumbledore. I mean, Scrimgeour, he's just the beginning. And as for your (pointing to Malfoy) plan, Potter and Dumbledore are not Ministry people. They'll act. They'll find you and make you squeal. I know squealers when I see them and you Lucius....

Malfoy flinches.
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Int. Gryffindor common room
Harry and his friends have finished unpacking at Hogwarts. Colin Creevey comes in wearing a magic badge. It reads:

I believe in Harry Potter

Harry looks out the window. He suddenly sees a phoenix symbol projected into the sky, through what appears to be a spotlight on the highest tower of Hogwarts.

Ext. Highest tower

Dumbledore
I need you to find Horace Slughorn. He's run off to Hong Kong and the Chinese won't extradite him. He knows of Voldemort's secret Horcruxes

Harry
What're those?

Dumbledore
Cursed objects. Valuable traffic for the Death Eaters. I've been tracking them. The Gringotts robbery was clearly meant to cover the moving of one

Harry
If I get him to you, can you get him to talk?

Dumbledore
If you can get to him, he'll sing to you

Harry gets on a Thestral to Hong Kong and searches downtown till he finds Slughorn Consultancies.

Harry
I have my mother's eyes

Slughorn
I'll come with you to England and spill the beans on the Horcruxes

Int. Griffyndor Tower

Ron
Wow, the Death Eaters' Horcruxes are known. Amelia Bones is in charge of the case. Once they're gathered, the whole gang can be arrested.

[The Daily Prophet is delivered. It now has moving images with sound]

Rita Skeeter
Note that what you are about to see is extremely disturbing

Focus. Image
Emmeline Vance is tied up and has gashes all over her face. Someone is talking to her but we don't know who.

Dark Lord
So you believe in Potter do you?

Vance
He's shown us we don't have to be afraid of you

Dark Lord
You do, Emmeline. You really do. So... you think Potter's made life better for everyone?

Vance nods

Dark Lord
Look at me. LOOK AT ME!!!!

He enters the image for the first time. We see his cut up nose and split tongue

Dark Lord
You see this is how crazy Potter's made things. You want order in England, Harry Potter must turn himself in to the Ministry where I will find him. Oh, and everyday he doesn't, people will die. Starting tonight..... I'm a man of my word. HeHEHEHEHEHEHEHHEHEhehehehisssshishishishis
[Screams in the background]

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Int. Ministry Building

Kingsley Shacklebolt
Anything on that Dark Mark card found on Vance?

Arthur Weasley
We found 3 DNA matches. Cornelius Fudge, Amelia Bones and Harry Potter.

Dumbledore
The Dark Lord's telling us his next victims. Get people to them

Int. Slug Club Party room

Harry and a bunch of people are celebrating. Harry takes Ginny aside.

Harry
You said we'd always be together, once the world didn't need me. Did you mean it?

Ginny
Harry... don't make me your only hope for a normal life

Suddenly, Cornelius Fudge collapses in his office convulsing and simultaneously Amelia Bones' house explodes with her in it. Dark Marks on them float around the exploding debris.

Death Eaters appear at party holding Snape hostage.

Dark Lord
Evening, ladies and gentlemen. We are tonight's entertainment. I only have one question. Where is Harry Potter?

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Int. Some sort of Conference Room
Harry and the Dark Lord sit across from each other on a table

Harry
You wanted me. Here I am

Dark Lord
I wanted to see what you'd do. And you didn't disappoint. You let 5 people die. Then, you let that ginger take your place. Even to a guy like me, that's cold

Harry
Where's Ron?

Dark Lord
My stupid Death Eaters want you gone so they can get back to the way things were. But I know the truth. There's no going back.... you've changed things... forever.

Harry
Then why do you want to kill me?

Dark Lord
[Laughing]
I don't want to kill you. What would I do without you? No, no, NO!! You complete me. Well any, there's only minutes left, so you'd better hurry up if you want to save one of them.

Harry
Them?

Dark Lord
Yeah you know for a while I thought you were Dean Thomas. The way you threw yourself after her.....

Harry flies into a rage.

Dark Lord
Look at you go!!!

Harry uses the Cruciatus curse on him, but he just cackles

Dark Lord
You have nothing to threaten me with. Nothing to do with all your magical ability. But don't worry, I'll tell you where they are, both of them, and that's the point. You're going to choose which one of them lives and which one dies. Killing is merely a choice. He's at the Ministry of Magic, in the Mysteries room and she's at 13 Knockturn Alley

Hermione
Who are you going for?

Harry
Ginny!! You take care of Ron

Both rush out to their respective brooms. A long furious drive occurs.

Ginny (tied up)
Is someone there? Hellooo?

Ron
Gin? Is that you? Where are you?

Ginny
Ron. They tied me up. They said only one of us would make it, and our friends would decide who it would be

Ron (thinking)
It's all right. They're coming for you.

Ginny
Ron. I don't want you to die. Find a way out. Talk to me.

Harry is shown rushing into a building in Knockturn Alley. He opens a door and enters to find... Ron.

Ron
No!! No!! Harry, why are you here? You're not supposed to find me. Ginny!! Ginny!! GINNNYYY!!

Ginny
Ron, it's ok.. it's okay. Listen.....
[Hermione enters her room]
..some...
[The Entire Ministry of Magic building explodes sky high, killing both her and Hermione, leaving fantastic wreckage and making a subtle point on terrorism]

As Harry drags Ron out, Knockturn Alley explodes, burning half of Ron's face.

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The explosion reveals the Ministry to the general public, creating absolute chaos. Wizards and humans are now terrified of each other.
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Int. St. Mungo's Hospital

Ron is at St. Mungo's by himself, everyone else out dealing with the people. Molly leaves Ron the only artifact she could find of Hermione, her golden Galleon, one side blackened and disfigured. He looks at it and sees his face in the mirror.
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In the chaos, the Dark Lord slips into the hospital and confronts Ron.

Dark Lord
Hiiiiiii

Ron struggles but is restrained to the bed

Dark Lord
Y'know Ron, I don't want there to be any hard feelings between us.
It's the schemers that put you where you are. You were a schemer, you had plans, and uh, look where that got you. I just did what I do best. I took your little plan and I turned it on itself. Look what I did with a few drums of gas and a couple of bullets. You know what I noticed? Nobody panics when things go according to plan. Even if the plan is horrifying. If tomorrow I tell the press that like a Dementor will suck out souls, or a train full of wizards will be blown up, nobody panics, because it's all, part of the plan. But when I say that one little old mayor will die, well then everyone loses their minds!

He hands Ron a wand and points the other end at himself

Dark Lord
Introduce a little anarchy. Upset the established order, and everything becomes chaos. I'm an agent of chaos. Oh, and you know the thing about chaos? It's fair.

Ron looks at him hard, and pulls out the Galleon.

Ron [Showing the unscarred side]
You live.

Dark Lord
Uh-hmm.

Ron [Shows the other side]
You die.

Dark Lord
Mmm, now we're talking.

Ron flips the coin.
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Rita Skeeter appears on television AND on the Daily Prophet. She's clearly at wand-point and is stammering

Rita Skeeter
I'm Rita Skeeter for the Daily Prophet. What does it take to make you people join in? I made the revelation of all time and you failed to respond by killing each other. I've got to get you off the bench--

Dark Lord
Bench...

Rita Skeeter
And into the game.

Dark Lord
...game.

Rita Skeeter
Come nightfall this country is mine...

Dark Lord
Mine... ...and anyone left here plays by my rules.

Rita Skeeter
If you don't want to be in the game
[pauses] Get out now... But the airport and Chunnel crowd are sure in for a surprise.
Ha ha ha ha ha

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Ron confronts Lucius Malfoy with his wand pointing
Who was your other insider in the Order of the Phoenix?

Malfoy
If I tell you, you let me go?

Ron
Can't hurt your chances

Malfoy
It was Rosemerta

Ron keeps the wand pointed

Malfoy
I thought...

Ron
I said it couldn't hurt your chanes.[Flips the Galleon] You're a lucky man [Flips again] But he's not

Malfoy
Who?

Ron
Draco

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Snape [facing Harry]
I killed all of them. Including Dumbledore

Harry
They'll hunt you.

Snape
You'll hunt me. You'll condemn me. Set the dogs on me. Because that's what needs to happen. Because, sometimes, truth isn't good enough, sometimes people deserve more. Sometimes people deserve to have their faith rewarded.

He runs off.

Neville approaches
Why is this happening?

Harry
Because he's the villain this series deserves, but not the one it needs right now...and so we'll hunt him, because he can take it. Because he's not an ordinary villain. He's a noble outcast, a tragic lover ...a half-blood prince

Roots and Rants

[Note: In containg filmi terms, this is sort of inspired by this post. I've been as original as possible, but if you see parallels, well that's how they are]

"Sub" and "prime" have become the scariest things you could put at the ends of a hyphen. It's no longer recession that the US is worried about, but a Depression (note the Capital letter; also note this is ripped off the NYT somewhat). "Thraahi-Thraahi" is "mach"ing everywhere in the US, to use a phrase last encountered in Class X Katha Kunj.

The politicos, the Wall Street-wallahs, the newsmen, the financial analysts, the pundits, the comedians and the bloggers have all had things to say about the crisis. How the nation got into it, who got greedy, whose fault all this is and so on and so forth. Fingers everywhere are pointing to greedy child-eating Wall Street Geckos, and their corrupt bitches in the Parliament and the White House. The status of the financiers and politicos are, put simply, the same as of the lecherous Sethji's who collect on loans by raping sisters and the corrupt cops who lock up the hero for it.

A question has however escaped everyone. How did all these loans and mortgages accumulate? Why did so many thousands of people decide to risk their houses as well as having their sisters raped (metaphorically)? I'm willing to grant that several people (say 10-20%) were in of money for a specific business investment (lacking Maa's Zhaveraath, they decided to stake their houses) and that several others needed to take out such loans for college or medical expenses (say another 20% to be very charitable) which in this country are insanely high. That still leaves 70% (at least) who risked their homes and financial futures for an infusion of cash. The question is did they NEED it, in the strictest Maa ki ilaaj ke liye chaahiye sense?

My view, and you are entirely welcome to disagree and/or criticize me for it, is they didn't. People didn't need the cash, but wanted it. They wanted an infusion of so many thousand dollars to spend. To purchase a new car, a new house, a new TV, new bikes or to get out of existing debt.
And these, by the way, are people with less-than-solid financial status to begin with. So why'd they do it?

Two reasons, which I see as the real roots of this meltdown. The first is the tendency to buy things on credit, something I see widely prevalent in the United States. This system extends to just about everything. Cars and houses are one thing, but people here actually buy computers on installment plans (Check this link out if you don't believe me). When you have real estate as potential collateral, why the hell not take up higher interest rates for that mortgage plan? You do it anyway for everything else under the sun. Unlike say our parents back home, who (smartly) remain deeply wary of being in debt, people here subscribe wholly to the buy-now-pay-later mentality. This is reason 2. And it arises from reason 1.

Consumerism. This is what drives people to take out loans to buy things they could do without if they tried. The bling mentality is now deeply entrenched in the US, and oddly, amongst the very people who can't afford it. People may need money for education or for healthcare. But they NEED the latest cell phones, jewellery, car models, automobile accessories and televisions. And consumer manufacturers have exploited this scenario very smartly, with their financial options for everything from a cell phone to a car. When a person who is uncertain of whether he/she can afford healthcare is willing to take up "easy financing options" for the new LG Chocolate which comes with Rihanna tunes and an 8 Mpixel camera, why should they not exploit him/her? Thus do you have people with bad credit history who nevertheless go into further debt. Thus do you have people who exploit bad financial behaviour and thereby encourage it. And thus do you have a circle which needs only the collapse of real estate prices to bring about a financial apocalypse. The bling mentality, in short, is what will ensure, that irrespective of today's bailout, there will be a new financial crisis tomorrow.

[Feel free to comment on said matter]