Sunday, February 11, 2007

Shekhar Kapur's Devi:
Jackasses all the Way 2

Y'know, if I'd thought of doing this say 6 months earlier, I could have made a really neat pop culture reference, what with the Johnny Knoxville movie and all.... I suppose I'll have to be content with the humour of the dissection alone.Here’s to the Virgin Fuckers (neat phraseology there, don’t you think?) and issue 1 of Devi. Pardon the small size of the pics, you may have to open 'em in a parallel tab. But, those of you who appreciate this sort of thing won't mind. Do comment on this by the way, whether good, bad or ugly. Pictures courtesy of Newsarama.
Devi - Divine Virgin Protector or Whatever

“Devi” – Created by Shekhar Kapur and starring Rekha, if the red sketch is anything to go by.
Boy, I haven’t seen so many credits roll before a presentation begins, nor titles such as VP Operations, Studio Chief, Chief Creative Officer, CEO and Publisher…… for any comic book. It’s the content that people wanna read, fuckwads, not the illustrious names of those behind it!!! Even Stan Lee doesn’t stamp every Marvel product with his name and rank.

Chief, ahem Visionaries – a businessman with a flair for sexing up, the inventor, proprietor and propagator of “quantum healing”, and an almost Oscar-winning director who hasn’t come up with anything in a hell of a long time. I feel pity tingeing my disdain.

Ok, so this is the story so far, there's a divine woman formed somehow by the Gods, and you know she's divine from the fact she's "clothed in light" or something.

"Bring It Down" - Are there Oliphaunts around? Is this the battle of Pelennor Fields?

"The second century of mankind" - Evidently before they invented clothing for women, though after they invented blasters, gas-masks and giant castles with ramparts and bridges.

Something's not right, apart from the whole naked goddess thing. Why are people using arrows and crossbows when there're blasters to be had? Did they forget to invent gunpowder? And who are these purple dudes? Brahmins of the Shaolin-gotra?

Panel 1: Ah, so here we have the Dark Lord, who looks all saturnine and black-hearted and batty and even has his speech bubble as black with white lettering. How absolutely dark.

Panel 2: Re: "They call themselves the Durapasya - the Warriors of Light" I know what the fuck Durapasya's supposed to mean, idiot!!! I speak both English and Fake Sanskrit!!!

Panel 3: "The mongrels... take on the wolf" Hey, our Dark Lord's a racist too. Not to mention a Kennel Club enthusiast from the looks of it, if he knows of mongrels and what not. Seriously, Virgins, you ought to come up with a guy who uses cliches a bit less.

Panel 3: "The gods have a new champion. She's 36D size. They call her Jugs-A-Popping!! I mean, Devi"

Panel 4: "Haw Haw Haw!! No woman can take me down!! Don't you know that no man can kill me? So what could a woman do? Oh, and don't you think my shiny black skull and glowy red eye-sockets look awesome? I call it "the Terminator look" One of those sudden inspirations"

Panel 1&2: "Lord, I mean it. This one's like... Xena. Or Wonder Woman. Only more naked. She could kick butt"

Panel 3&4: "WTF!! Mader@#(*!! Dark Lords do not flee. Not until the stronghold's stormed and the enemy's right in and... Oh, there you go. Confrontation time!!"

Re: "You should have run..." "What, and miss this? You were right, General Sidekick, she's hot. Y'know sweetie I have a real thing for lightning brassiere. Let's chat"

Is she remotely Indian? Apart from brown skin and a common American Indian name, there's nothing to really make her one of us. Or a goddess for that matter.

And I'd like to know what these warrior dudes intend to pull off, kneeling behind her with swords. Perform "Crouching Tigers and their Suddenly Rising Dragons: The Musical"?

Panel 2:
Sidekick: "Charge!!!" Monks: "Countercharge!! Climb him and and we'll do to him what we've wanted to do with her!!"
Panel 3: Re:"Death's cold .....": When you have to shoot, shoot, don't talk!!

Panel 4: Re: (Dark Lord's RE:): You too!!

Panel 1: Re: "...slow and painful..": (Yawn) When you have to shoot.....

Panels 3and4: I wonder if he's really possessing them or they just became aware of their gonads. Either would produce the same effect

"Baalaaaa!! Y'know how hard it is to develop a booty like this? Even harder than shooting lightning from one's naked body!!"

Panel 1/2: "Coward!! Hide behind...Fight your own...!!" Well, duh!! D'yu expect the uber-evull dude to play fair? Follow Queensbury rules perhaps?

Panel 5:
"Your ego.." So Freudian psychology was invented in the second century as well.
"In about two minutes you'll kneel before me. Till then let's get some coffee and play chamma-chakka" Jeez, does it get any cheesier than this?

Panel 1: "Pathetic. Though not as pathetic as my yakking my bat ears off rather than finishing you once and for all when I have you groggy and knocked out. When will I learn "When you have to shoot...." ? And what do you think of my metallic black glove? I got it at an LOTR convention. The Witch King actually wore this, y'know!!"

Panel 3: "....only human" What is he, an Agent of the System now?

Following panels:
Suddenly... WHUMP!!! "OMG!! WTF!! HTF did you WHUMP me? And WyTF am I still doing nothing but staring at you while you go about WHUMPing??"

Panel 1/2: "Arrrrgh" Ok, power moment. Where's the temple bells? They ought to be ringing now, as "Jai Ma Devi" or something plays in the background.

So, this all-powerful Dark God can like possess people, fly a bit, make his eyes glow and throw a punch or two. That's it? Gods ain't what they used to be, huh?

Panel 2: I was wondering what the Martial-munis were doing with the flunky. Well, looks like they're back in.

Panel 3: So by re-invented, Virgin means they figured Devi would make a great Spiderwoman. Or Sheena. Or anyone who could swing.

Panel 1: "OMG!! She got him" - Martial munis.
"Know this... Not that it's going to make any difference at this point. I am the power of the pantheon. I am the force. I am the person who's knocked you down and is going to crow over you verbosely. I am the power of the cliche." Power of the pantheon. More re-invention I suppose.

Panel 2: "If it were upto me....Unfortunately it isn't, so all I can do is rant at this point and wait for your inevitable escape in subsequent issues"

Panel 3:
"How could you? You were the chosen one!! It was said you would bring balance to the Force, not turn to the Dark Side" And to top it off, Father Odin the Henko-White Fairy-Pope is also carrying a double bladed lightsaber.

The pantheon in the meantime, consists of a purple translucent dude with cancerous blue bubbles, grieving Daddy Whitebeard, Wonderbra-Woman, an Eagle, Ganesha's twin who went on Atkins and some guy with a Donkey's head. Inventive. More than anything so far.

Dying ninjas: "Dammit, I thought we were going to be in Kill Bill volume 3. WTF is this?"

Panel 1:
Ninjas: "We were sure this was Kill Bill. See, we even came to fight without any guns"
Phone: "Hello XYZ. What's your favourite scary movie?"
Re: "Who is this? I am busy killing professional bodyguards and can't spend too much time talking on the phone, let alone inquiring when absolute strangers call"

Panel 2: "Apsara: Heaven's assassin" Right. So naked lightning brunettes aren't enough to take out Heaven's targets. They also need leather clad red-heads.

Panel 3: She kills bodyguards to get to a target who happens to be a yakuza? Is this the House of Blue Leaves? Tarantino oughtta sue. Or send Jules and Vincent.

Panel 4: " form". Right. Can you like get more oily? Or cliched? Or hackneyed? Or ass-licky? [I'm asking the guy who wrote the dialogue]

Panel 1: "Hey Yoshi, guess what? Your wife hates you. Ever since you contracted gonorrhea and syphilis right in the face. How you got her sister is like a real mystery"

Panel 2/3: So our heavenly angel killer is like a feminist as well, huh? I can see her enacting the Vagina Monologues tomorrow.

"Call me Lord Baala. Or rather Lo-Baa-Diddy. Wanna get ya freak on my ride, Mama? Check the bling-bling out" Sitapur is in East LA, it seems. And for some reason, this dude attracts bats even when in his real estate office or wherever. Now that's an effective disguise. As effective as his changing his speech bubble so it's white inside now.

The fucknuttery continues.... what will happen next? Will Devi reborn beat this guy? Will the redhead take her out first? Will the hot chicks share sexually tense action sequences. Find out by putting cash in Virgin pockets. Or not.