Tuesday, October 14, 2008

The Half-Blood Prince: Greatest Movie Never Made

[Note: For this to make even a lick of sense, you have to be familiar with two very popular franchises. One's obvious, the other not so much]

To: Christopher Nolan (cjnolan@memori.dk.uk)
From: Warner Bros. Executive Committee (warnerexec@wb.com)
Subject: The Half Blood Prince Script

Dear Chris,
We realize you, Jonathan, and David spent a lot of time on this script. But this is not quite where we want to take the series.
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Attachment: HBPscript.doc


The Half Blood Prince

Int. Gringotts Bank.
Five people in Death masks arrive and kill goblins around. They're masked and hooded.

Death Eater 4:
We're with the Dark Lord!! Anyone move and they get AK'd. You 3, get to the vaults.

Death Eaters 1,2 and 3 accompany a goblin down to the Lestrange's vault.

Death Eater 1
This job is going to be perfect. The Dark lord thinks things through real well (kills a goblin). So much gold for the six of us

Death Eater 2
Five of us
(AK's him)

Death Eater 3
Four of us
(AK's 2)

Death Eater 4
What's been up here? (sees dead bodies) Oh, three of us

He drags a sack of Galleons to Death Eater 5 who has been silent all this while

Death Eater 4
Amazing huh? (Silently drawing out wand) I figured the Dark Lord told you to kill me too, so there'd be two shares. You're dead

The Knight Bus crashes in through the doors and runs him over. Bellatrix Lestrange gets out

Dark Lord (to Bellatrix)
Load the gold

Int. Malfoy Mansion. In the night

Death Eaters meet at a table

Malfoy
This is terrible. Some freaks wearing Death Eater masks actually robbed my vault today at Gringotts. We have to find a way to take down the Ministry

Dark Lord's (Ralph Fiennes') voice
HAA! Ha-HA!! HA-hAAA!!Ho-hoo haha!! And I thought I was a snake in the grass

He enters for the first time, dressed in purple and green robes. His face is pale white with black slits painted where his nose was. His nose has been cut off and scars remain on the site. He laughs and hisses

The Dark Lord
Hehehehehissss
[His tongue is revealed to be cut up so as to fork in two]
Let's wind the clock a year. These Ministry people didn't even believe any of us existed. I mean, what happened? Harry Potter and Dumbledore.

Some Death Eater
So what are you saying?

Dark Lord
It's simple. We uh, kill Potter and Dumbledore. I mean, Scrimgeour, he's just the beginning. And as for your (pointing to Malfoy) plan, Potter and Dumbledore are not Ministry people. They'll act. They'll find you and make you squeal. I know squealers when I see them and you Lucius....


Malfoy flinches.
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Int. Gryffindor common room
Harry and his friends have finished unpacking at Hogwarts. Colin Creevey comes in wearing a magic badge. It reads:
I believe in Harry Potter

Harry looks out the window. He suddenly sees a phoenix symbol projected into the sky, through what appears to be a spotlight on the highest tower of Hogwarts.

Ext. Highest tower
Dumbledore
I need you to find Horace Slughorn. He's run off to Hong Kong and the Chinese won't extradite him. He knows of Voldemort's secret Horcruxes

Harry
What're those?

Dumbledore
Cursed objects. Valuable traffic for the Death Eaters. I've been tracking them. The Gringotts robbery was clearly meant to cover the moving of one

Harry
If I get him to you, can you get him to talk?

Dumbledore
If you can get to him, he'll sing to you

Harry gets on a Thestral to Hong Kong and searches downtown till he finds Slughorn Consultancies.

Harry
I have my mother's eyes

Slughorn
I'll come with you to England and spill the beans on the Horcruxes

Int. Griffyndor Tower

Ron
Wow, the Death Eaters' Horcruxes are known. Amelia Bones is in charge of the case. Once they're gathered, the whole gang can be arrested.

[The Daily Prophet is delivered. It now has moving images with sound]

Rita Skeeter
Note that what you are about to see is extremely disturbing

Focus. Image
Emmeline Vance is tied up and has gashes all over her face. Someone is talking to her but we don't know who.

Dark Lord
So you believe in Potter do you?

Vance
He's shown us we don't have to be afraid of you

Dark Lord
You do, Emmeline. You really do. So... you think Potter's made life better for everyone?

Vance nods

Dark Lord
Look at me. LOOK AT ME!!!!

He enters the image for the first time. We see his cut up nose and split tongue

Dark Lord
You see this is how crazy Potter's made things. You want order in England, Harry Potter must turn himself in to the Ministry where I will find him. Oh, and everyday he doesn't, people will die. Starting tonight..... I'm a man of my word. HeHEHEHEHEHEHEHHEHEhehehehisssshishishishis
[Screams in the background]

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Int. Ministry Building
Kingsley Shacklebolt
Anything on that Dark Mark card found on Vance?

Arthur Weasley
We found 3 DNA matches. Cornelius Fudge, Amelia Bones and Harry Potter.

Dumbledore
The Dark Lord's telling us his next victims. Get people to them

Int. Slug Club Party room


Harry and a bunch of people are celebrating. Harry takes Ginny aside.

Harry
You said we'd always be together, once the world didn't need me. Did you mean it?

Ginny
Harry... don't make me your only hope for a normal life

Suddenly, Cornelius Fudge collapses in his office convulsing and simultaneously Amelia Bones' house explodes with her in it. Dark Marks on them float around the exploding debris.

Death Eaters appear at party holding Snape hostage.

Dark Lord
Evening, ladies and gentlemen. We are tonight's entertainment. I only have one question. Where is Harry Potter?

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Int. Some sort of Conference Room
Harry and the Dark Lord sit across from each other on a table

Harry
You wanted me. Here I am

Dark Lord
I wanted to see what you'd do. And you didn't disappoint. You let 5 people die. Then, you let that ginger take your place. Even to a guy like me, that's cold

Harry
Where's Ron?

Dark Lord
My stupid Death Eaters want you gone so they can get back to the way things were. But I know the truth. There's no going back.... you've changed things... forever.

Harry
Then why do you want to kill me?

Dark Lord
[Laughing]
I don't want to kill you. What would I do without you? No, no, NO!! You complete me. Well any, there's only minutes left, so you'd better hurry up if you want to save one of them.

Harry
Them?

Dark Lord
Yeah you know for a while I thought you were Dean Thomas. The way you threw yourself after her.....

Harry flies into a rage.

Dark Lord
Look at you go!!!

Harry uses the Cruciatus curse on him, but he just cackles

Dark Lord
You have nothing to threaten me with. Nothing to do with all your magical ability. But don't worry, I'll tell you where they are, both of them, and that's the point. You're going to choose which one of them lives and which one dies. Killing is merely a choice. He's at the Ministry of Magic, in the Mysteries room and she's at 13 Knockturn Alley

Hermione
Who are you going for?

Harry
Ginny!! You take care of Ron

Both rush out to their respective brooms. A long furious drive occurs.

Ginny (tied up)
Is someone there? Hellooo?

Ron
Gin? Is that you? Where are you?

Ginny
Ron. They tied me up. They said only one of us would make it, and our friends would decide who it would be

Ron (thinking)
It's all right. They're coming for you.

Ginny
Ron. I don't want you to die. Find a way out. Talk to me.

Harry is shown rushing into a building in Knockturn Alley. He opens a door and enters to find... Ron.
Ron
No!! No!! Harry, why are you here? You're not supposed to find me. Ginny!! Ginny!! GINNNYYY!!

Ginny
Ron, it's ok.. it's okay. Listen.....
[Hermione enters her room]
..some...
[The Entire Ministry of Magic building explodes sky high, killing both her and Hermione, leaving fantastic wreckage and making a subtle point on terrorism]

As Harry drags Ron out, Knockturn Alley explodes, burning half of Ron's face.
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The explosion reveals the Ministry to the general public, creating absolute chaos. Wizards and humans are now terrified of each other.
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Int. St. Mungo's Hospital

Ron is at St. Mungo's by himself, everyone else out dealing with the people. Molly leaves Ron the only artifact she could find of Hermione, her golden Galleon, one side blackened and disfigured. He looks at it and sees his face in the mirror.
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In the chaos, the Dark Lord slips into the hospital and confronts Ron.

Dark Lord
Hiiiiiii

Ron struggles but is restrained to the bed

Dark Lord
Y'know Ron, I don't want there to be any hard feelings between us.
It's the schemers that put you where you are. You were a schemer, you had plans, and uh, look where that got you. I just did what I do best. I took your little plan and I turned it on itself. Look what I did with a few drums of gas and a couple of bullets. You know what I noticed? Nobody panics when things go according to plan. Even if the plan is horrifying. If tomorrow I tell the press that like a Dementor will suck out souls, or a train full of wizards will be blown up, nobody panics, because it's all, part of the plan. But when I say that one little old mayor will die, well then everyone loses their minds!

He hands Ron a wand and points the other end at himself

Dark Lord
Introduce a little anarchy. Upset the established order, and everything becomes chaos. I'm an agent of chaos. Oh, and you know the thing about chaos? It's fair.

Ron looks at him hard, and pulls out the Galleon.

Ron [Showing the unscarred side]
You live.

Dark Lord
Uh-hmm.

Ron [Shows the other side]
You die.

Dark Lord
Mmm, now we're talking.

Ron flips the coin.
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Rita Skeeter appears on television AND on the Daily Prophet. She's clearly at wand-point and is stammering

Rita Skeeter
I'm Rita Skeeter for the Daily Prophet. What does it take to make you people join in? I made the revelation of all time and you failed to respond by killing each other. I've got to get you off the bench--

Dark Lord
Bench...

Rita Skeeter
And into the game.

Dark Lord
...game.

Rita Skeeter
Come nightfall this country is mine...

Dark Lord
Mine... ...and anyone left here plays by my rules.

Rita Skeeter
If you don't want to be in the game
[pauses] Get out now... But the airport and Chunnel crowd are sure in for a surprise.
Ha ha ha ha ha

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Ron confronts Lucius Malfoy with his wand pointing
Who was your other insider in the Order of the Phoenix?

Malfoy
If I tell you, you let me go?

Ron
Can't hurt your chances

Malfoy
It was Rosemerta

Ron keeps the wand pointed

Malfoy
I thought...

Ron
I said it couldn't hurt your chanes.[Flips the Galleon] You're a lucky man [Flips again] But he's not

Malfoy
Who?

Ron
Draco
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Snape [facing Harry]
I killed all of them. Including Dumbledore

Harry
They'll hunt you.

Snape
You'll hunt me. You'll condemn me. Set the dogs on me. Because that's what needs to happen. Because, sometimes, truth isn't good enough, sometimes people deserve more. Sometimes people deserve to have their faith rewarded.

He runs off.

Neville approaches
Why is this happening?

Harry
Because he's the villain this series deserves, but not the one it needs right now...and so we'll hunt him, because he can take it. Because he's not an ordinary villain. He's a noble outcast, a tragic lover ...a half-blood prince

8 comments:

B.U.G.S. said...

Extremely creative!

loved it!

Greyscalp said...

nice work!!
Though what happened to the scene where a Death Eater gets a wand shoved into his eye?

Akasuna no Sasori said...

@greyscalp:
I tried insanely hard, but couldn't come up with an analogue. Damn Rowling and her wholesomeness

@bugs: Thanks

ad libber said...

Suddenly, Harry Potter sounds noir, definitely better than the sunshiny end which was Deathly Hallows.

The Dark Knight as the Joker does not sound evil enough. Guess they both are evil enough in their correct settings.

Interesting read.

Akasuna no Sasori said...

@ad libber:
I assume you mean Dark Lord.

Tufties said...

Yes, the Dark Lord. Pardon my absent minded comments.

Akshay Rajagopalan said...

Wow! At your creative best! Super.

2d said...

oh man, long time since i visited your blog, and how glad am i to find it alive! have to find time to check this post.. too long for my liking